


Butterfly

by merlypops



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Abandonment, Absent Parents, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Parenting, Band, Best Friends, Bullying, Coming Out, Cruelty, Depressing, Depression, Falling In Love, First Kiss, First Love, First Meetings, First Time, Friends to Lovers, Homophobic Language, Hospitals, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Lashton - Freeform, Love Confessions, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Mental Anguish, Mentions of Sex, Pain, Panic Attacks, Peer Pressure, Rock Out With Your Socks Out, Sad Ashton, Sad Luke, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Destruction, Self-Harm, Sexuality Crisis, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Texting, Touring, malum
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-17
Updated: 2014-08-01
Packaged: 2018-02-09 06:20:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 50
Words: 29,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1972188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merlypops/pseuds/merlypops
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Looking up, I see a falling star,</i>
  <br/>
  <i>And watch its fire burn into the floor,</i>
  <br/>
  <i>And I am left standing on the edge,</i>
  <br/>
  <i>Wondering why we fall so hard. </i>
</p><p>'Luke was the sort of tired that sleep couldn’t fix.<br/>He was huddled up in the darkness on his bed, curled up on his side as tears rolled down his cheeks. His wrists were stinging painfully and sticking to the tissues he had hastily wrapped around them. Red blood bloomed on the white of the tissues like roses and Luke’s heart ached.'</p><p>
  <b>Luke is depressed and Ashton makes him feel loved (and maybe Luke returns the favour too). Also Malum. Yes.</b>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Like A Red Rose

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Unholy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unholy/gifts).



> The lyrics from "Kids In The Dark" by All Time Low seemed to fit this pretty well!
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy this and please keep in mind that this is only my second 5SOS fic so go easy on me please!
> 
> P.S. You can follow me on tumblr if you like at **merlypops.tumblr.com** \- it’s mostly a 5SOS blog so hopefully you guys will like it! Please come talk to me over there! I get so lonely!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Luke was just so_ tired _. It almost didn’t seem worth fighting anymore_.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope this update is okay!
> 
> Trigger warning for self-harm.

Luke was the sort of tired that sleep couldn’t fix.

He was huddled up in the darkness on his bed, curled up on his side as tears rolled down his cheeks. His wrists were stinging painfully and sticking to the tissues he had hastily wrapped around them. Red blood bloomed on the white of the tissues like roses and Luke’s heart ached. 

He was just so _tired_. It almost didn’t seem worth fighting anymore. 

His parents were going through a rough patch at the moment and the fighting was wearing him down, and Ben and Jack were _relentless_ in their mission to make Luke feel about _that_ fucking small. Luke got the shit ripped out of him at school and he didn’t even know _why_ , and he was fucking tired of it. 

He was _so_ fucking tired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um... was that okay?
> 
> I promise Ash will make an appearance soon but, before that, Michael and Calum need to do their bit.


	2. The Worst Part Was

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘ _It never used to be like this,’ Luke thought desperately, and it hadn’t._
> 
> _He’d been happy once._
> 
> _And then he’d started high school and his life had gone down the fucking drain._
> 
> _Most of the people at his school were absolute _shits_ and Michael Clifford was the fucking worst.'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note in advance: This pained me to write because I love Michael so much!

Somehow, Luke carried on.

He thought maybe the worst part was that nobody even seemed to _notice_ , let alone care. Ben was too busy fucking around with his girlfriend and Jack preferred to be out with his friends, and Luke honestly couldn’t remember the last time he had had a _normal_ conversation with _either_ parent that hadn’t resulted in one of them screaming and storming off.

‘ _It never used to be like this_ ,’ Luke thought desperately, and it hadn’t. 

He’d been happy once. He’d been learning to play the guitar. He’d gone snowboarding and played football like his brothers. He’d spent time with his family. He’d had _friends_.

And then he’d started high school and his life had gone down the fucking drain. 

Most of the people at his school were absolute _shits_ and Michael Clifford was the fucking worst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you guys are enjoying this!
> 
> Please remember to leave comments and kudos so I know what you're thinking!!
> 
> Thank you!


	3. No Matter How Small

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _He opened his mouth but no sound came out and Michael patted him on the cheek, just once, his expression triumphant, even as he pretended to wipe his hand on his jeans afterwards._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I found this chapter really really hard to write. It was kind of horrible and also, despite it saying it in the tags too, I just wanted to quickly add that this chapter has trigger warnings for bullying and homophobic language.
> 
> Hope this update is okay.

“Hey, _fag_!”

Luke’s step faltered for a moment and he bristled, his muscles bunching up as his chest grew tight.

‘ _Not again. Please, please not again_.’

“Oi, _fag_! I’m talking to you! Are you fucking deaf?”

“Fuck off, Clifford,” Luke mumbled which was just about the worst thing he could have done because, moments later, he found himself pinned against the wall with a dull pain in the back of his head from where he had hit it.

Luke was faced with a snarling teenage boy with messy too-bright purple hair and hate-filled green eyes. Michael Clifford was a good few inches shorter than Luke but, despite this, he seemed to loom over him as his hand fisted in Luke’s collar.

“Do you have something to say to me, _fag_?” He was close enough that Luke felt his spit on his face. All Luke could see was purple.

He opened his mouth but no sound came out and Michael patted him on the cheek, just once, his expression triumphant, even as he pretended to wipe his hand on his jeans afterwards.

“Good,” he half-hissed, turning back to his waiting group of friends. “I thought not.”

Michael pissed off then, his smug expression sliding from his face a little, and his friends followed him as he walked away down the corridor towards his next class.

One of his friends hovered awkwardly nearby, his brows drawn in concern as Luke slid down the wall and dropped his head into his hands.

 _Done_. He was fucking _done_.

“Hey, uh… H-Hemmings?” an unfamiliar voice asked and Luke looked up sharply, the movement so quick that his neck actually hurt.

“What do you want?” Luke asked quietly, fiddling with the sleeves of his long-sleeved, soft grey sweatshirt and subtly breathing a sigh of relief when he saw that the scars were still covered. “Because if it’s not important then would you kindly do me the honour of pissing off?”

Luke blinked when he processed what he had just said. That had been… _combative_. He didn’t normally retaliate like that.

“Dude, chill,” the boy said sharply but his expression was one of guilt. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

Luke looked up at him blankly and the indifference on his face was worse than any iciness he could have injected into it. The stranger shivered, chewing on his lip cautiously.

“Sorry, stupid question,” the boy sighed and, although he looked like he wanted to come closer, he stayed where he was. The pair were silent for a few moments. “You know, I’ve tried telling him to lay off. It doesn’t seem to do much good.”

Luke remained mute, wondering vaguely if that was supposed to earn the stranger brownie points. After all, he still fucking stood there while Michael was publically humiliating him. It didn’t earn him anything.

Did it?

He _had_ cared enough to ask Michael to stop, or so he said, although that was arguably what any _good_ human being would have done in that situation. Luke sighed, conflicted, before he remembered that it was easier to just ignore these feelings. That made everything a whole lot simpler, if not better.

“I’m Calum,” the dark-haired boy said suddenly and Luke regarded the hand he was extending towards him with a confusion bordering on wariness. The boy – Calum – quickly retracted it and Luke rose shakily, rubbing the back of his head with one hand.

It came away bloodless, thank god. He hardly needed to explain _that_ to a teacher.

“You better get back to your _friends_ ,” Luke muttered when it became apparent that Calum was waiting for him to speak. “Wouldn’t want them to get angry.”

Luke shuddered despite himself and he was already sinking back into the comforting haze that surrounded him most days when he realised that Calum was holding his bag out for him to take.

Luke stared at him with wide blue eyes for a long moment before he accepted it with a mumbled thank you. Calum looked pleased, like he was regarding it as a victory, no matter how small.

“See you around, Hemmings,” Calum said with a hesitant smile. He raised his hand in farewell and jogged off in the direction that Michael and his friends had gone in.

Luke watched him go with a pain in his chest.

‘ _I seriously doubt that_.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hated writing this chapter.
> 
> I love Michael so much but I _know_ they hated each other at school so I'm trying to work with that. Not sure how well it's going though...


	4. Know You Love Them

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _He looked up sharply then, his watery eyes locked on Michael, and Michael’s hair was purple but all Luke could see was red._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a bit more bullying in this update too but it's nowhere near as bad.  
> Hope you guys like the fic and I _promise_ that there's light at the end of the tunnel (namely in the form of Ashton, AKA the human embodiment of either sunshine or a fucking puppy).  <3

Luke felt like shit all afternoon.

It started when he was sitting in science, trying to fill in a worksheet about photosynthesis and a piece of folded up paper was dropped onto his open textbook as one of Michael’s friends barged past, deliberately knocking the table so that he smudged his work. 

Hissing with frustration, Luke slammed his biro down hard on the desk and snatched the piece of paper up, his chest tightening painfully when he saw the ‘ _ **Lukey**_ ’ written in Michael’s tiny, scrawled writing. 

Luke glanced up at him and saw Michael and his friends watching him with poorly hidden smirks. Michael’s stretched across his whole face and, when he noticed Luke looking at him, his eyes gleamed. 

Luke swallowed uncomfortably and pulled the paper off the desk, opening it in his lap instead. 

Scribbled messily on the piece of paper was a crudely drawn dick and what Luke could only assume was supposed to be himself touching it. Michael had hastily written: ‘ _ **For you, Lukey. I know you love them.**_ ’ and it was a shit drawing and it didn’t _mean_ anything but that didn’t stop Luke’s eyes from filling with angry tears.

He looked up sharply then, his watery eyes locked on Michael, and Michael’s hair was purple but all Luke could see was red.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Luke really needs to stand up for himself...
> 
> Are you guys enjoying this fic? I actually have quite a lot of ideas now and I know where I want this story to go so hopefully there'll be a little relief soon!
> 
> Please remember to leave comments and kudos as it means the world! :)


	5. Utter Enormity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Luke loved the ocean. It was hard to feel sad and worth even_ depression _when you were standing before something so terrible in its utter enormity that it completely dwarfed you._
> 
>  _It was like Luke's worries didn't even exist then, like_ he _didn't exist._
> 
>  _It felt like he was being washed away._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally a chapter where no one is a dick to someone else! (◕‿◕✿)

The bell was just ringing to signify the end of the day when Luke’s mobile buzzed with a text message. Frowning, he found somewhere less crowded to stand in so that he wouldn’t get in the way of the crowd of students leaving the school and he fished his phone out of his pocket, frowning a little at what the message said.

‘ **Hi sweetie. Goin 2 stay @ mum’s 2nite. Give ur dad bit of break. B & J r staying over with friends 2nite. Dad working till 7. Will u b ok 2 sort dinner 4 urself? If not u can come w/me. :) Love mum x**’ 

Luke hurriedly tapped out a reply which roughly translated to: ‘ _I’ll be fine, mum. Love you. Take care._ ’ and then he walked down the empty corridor slowly, the faint frown on his face deepening. Now he had – Luke paused to check his watch – _three and a half hours_ with nothing to do. 

Luke rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. He wasn’t particularly hungry or thirsty, and he’d gone to the bathroom after lunch so he didn’t need to go home any time soon. Luke tested the weight of his backpack and was relieved to discover that it wasn’t very heavy at all. 

He thought maybe a walk on the beach might be a good idea. 

Retying one of the laces on his sneakers since it was coming loose, Luke straightened up, brushed his blond hair out of his sky blue eyes, and set off out of school, heading in the vague direction of the beach. 

Luke loved the ocean. It was hard to feel sad and worth even _depression_ when you were standing before something so terrible in its utter enormity that it completely dwarfed you. 

It was like Luke’s worries didn’t even exist then, like _he_ didn’t exist. 

It felt like he was being washed away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ashton is making an appearance _very_ soon!


	6. Small And Distant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Luke came to a stop where the_ really _wet sand began, finally looking up when the tide rushed in to meet him. The water looked grey and foamy in the half-light, and that brought the faintest traces of irony to Luke’s otherwise blank expression._
> 
>  _Everything looked grey these days._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd expect this to be the first of several updates this morning :)
> 
> Also, it was so lovely to wake up this morning and see all of the kudos you guys have left me! Thank you so much! :)
> 
> P.S. This is what I imagined the beach to look like sort of: https://weheartit.com/entry/151599322/via/29189579

‘ _It had been warmer earlier that morning_ ,’ Luke thought as he sat on the cold stone of the seawall that stretched down the coast. It was a lot cooler now and a very fine mist of rain was doing a marvellous job of completely soaking Luke.

He let out a soft sigh as he sat there, gazing out, his thoughts faraway. In a small, distant part of his mind, Luke was still upset about Michael and confused about Calum, and _aching_. But, mostly, Luke was staring out, away from land. 

Luke loved being able to see the sea and, almost without meaning to, Luke slid off the seawall and landed with a soft thump on the sand below. He straightened up, glanced up at the cold, slowly-darkening grey sky above him, and set off towards the water, his sneakers sinking into the damp sand as he left a long line of footprints behind him. 

Luke came to a stop where the _really_ wet sand began, finally looking up when the tide rushed in to meet him. The water looked grey and foamy in the half-light, and that brought the faintest traces of irony to Luke’s otherwise blank expression. 

Everything looked grey these days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ashton next, Ashton next!! :D
> 
> Also I'm super happy today because I got my tickets today for their concert next year! YES! I can't wait to see them again! (Also this has changed my story plan slightly so keep your eyes peeled!) :)
> 
> Again, thank you for leaving kudos! Comments would be lovely too! :)  
> Stay tuned!


	7. Might Just Make It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Luke jumped when he heard an unfamiliar voice speaking, spinning around in alarm and almost falling. A warm hand wrapped itself around his wrist to hold him up and Luke winced as pain blossomed in his arm. The hand holding him immediately let go._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ASHTON!!!!! <3
> 
> (For some reason this was kind of hard to write... I hope you like it!)

The waves rolled in and the sky overhead was closer to black than grey when Luke surfaced next.

He jumped a little, startled, but he wasn’t really surprised. He often drifted like that, one minute getting bullied at school and the next at home in the shower, utterly immobile beneath the spray as he tried to recall the events of the afternoon. 

He didn’t often bother though. It was usually easier just to forget. 

Luke swore softly then and checked his watch, squinting in the darkness. It was already six o’clock and, if his dad finished work in an hour, Luke might _just_ make it home before him, but only if he left now. 

Luke didn’t want to leave now. 

He looked back out at the stormy waters as the water rushed forwards, soaking the sand and dragging the debris scattering the deserted beach back out to sea. 

“You’ve been here for ages.” 

Luke jumped when he heard an unfamiliar voice speaking, spinning around in alarm and almost falling. A warm hand wrapped itself around his wrist to hold him up and Luke winced as pain blossomed in his arm. The hand holding him immediately let go. 

“Sorry,” the stranger said and Luke peered at them in the dark. It was getting hard to see as the storm clouds darkened overhead but he thought he could make out curly hair and gleaming eyes. The boy – Luke wasn’t even going to _try_ and work out how old he was – suddenly looked down at Luke’s feet and tsked. 

“You’re wrecking your sneakers.” 

Luke looked down in surprise once more and swore softly as he saw the salty water of the sea lapping around them. “Oh _crap_.” His feet – and the rest of him – were already so cold that he hadn’t even _noticed_.

The boy made a small, concerned sound and Luke snorted bitterly. 

“They were shit anyway.” 

“I didn’t like to say,” the boy retorted and Luke looked up sharply, his shoulders slumping slightly with relief when he saw that the boy was joking. 

“Can you even _see_ my sneakers in this light?” Luke asked curiously and the boy laughed. He sounded so… _delighted_. Luke didn’t know what to make of him but, against his better judgement, the ice in Luke’s chest began to thaw a little when the boy smiled at him. 

“Not even a little bit,” the stranger joked and then he extended his hand once more, the movement a little more hesitant this time since he had clearly seen the discomfort on Luke’s face when he had touched him before. “I’m Ashton. Pleased to meet you.” 

Luke shook his hand awkwardly. 

“Luke. Nice to meet you too.” 

The boy – Ashton – gave a crooked smile before he suddenly frowned, squeezing Luke’s hand a little before he released it. “Dude, you’re _freezing_. We need to get you a coffee or something!”

Ashton’s eyes were so wide and puppy-like as he gestured excitedly for Luke to follow him that the blond boy didn’t quite have it in him to reject the offer, as out of character as his behaviour admittedly was. 

‘ _I only said yes because I’m cold_ ,’ Luke told himself as Ashton trotted along beside him, talking about _something_ with more enthusiasm than Luke had felt in a long time. ‘ _Just because I’m cold. That’s it_.’ 

A little voice in the back of Luke’s head laughed derisively at him. 

Luke did his best to ignore it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How was this update?
> 
> Please let me know by leaving comments and kudos! Thank you, guys! You're the best!


	8. The Boardwalk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“Ashton, you didn’t have to do that–”_
> 
> “ _I know I didn’t,” Ashton said and he smiled again, a big, crooked,_ beautiful _dimpled smile and Luke was so,_ so _screwed. “But I wanted to._ ”'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Ashton so much but I always find myself making the chapters too long when I'm writing him!
> 
> (Okay, I know I've only put him in two chapters so far but I'm already seeing a correlation...)

“I know this really nice coffee place along here,” Ashton told Luke excitedly as he led him down the boardwalk. “It’s not too pricey and their milkshakes are _amazing_!” He glanced over at Luke who had begun to shiver violently and bit his lip. “Maybe a hot chocolate might be better.”

Luke’s stomach decided to have an input then and rumbled loudly. Luke groaned, embarrassed, but Ashton just laughed. “Hot chocolate it is then,” he grinned and Luke glanced over at him. It was still fairly dark but he could see the hazel of his eyes and the caramel of his curly hair in the light of the shops and restaurants they were passing. 

And _damnit_ if he wasn’t cute! Luke went paler and looked down at the ground instead. ‘ _All the more reason to leave now_ ,’ he thought bitterly but, before he could make his escape, Ashton had guided him into a small coffee shop that Luke hadn’t caught the name of. 

“Ashton,” Luke protested weakly as the boy – who looked a little bit older than him now that Luke thought about it – ushered him towards the cashier. “Ashton, wait. I don’t have any money.” Luke chewed his lip then, sighing softly. The statement was true in more ways than one. 

His sneakers were _supposed_ to last him until the end of term and Luke frowned as he looked down at them and wondered vaguely if he could dry them with a hand dryer or something. It wasn’t looking promising. 

“Then it’s a good job I just got my pay check, isn’t it?” Ashton said cheerfully, apparently impossible to sway, and he fished around in the messenger bag he was carrying and pulled a pair of black-framed glasses out. He settled them on his nose and Luke’s heart gave a pathetic little flutter. They suited him. They _really_ suited him. 

“Do you want anything with your hot chocolate, Luke?” Ashton asked as he peered up at the menu board on the wall. “Marshmallows and whipped cream, maybe?” 

Luke went red. “Hot chocolate on its own is fine,” he muttered, embarrassed. 

Ashton considered this. “I’ll get you the same as me then,” he said suddenly and, frowning slightly, Luke mumbled something about finding them a table. 

Ashton returned several minutes later with two _enormous_ striped mugs of hot chocolate, the scent of them _mouth-watering_ as he set them on the table carefully, a pleased smile on his face. Luke groaned when he saw the marshmallows, whipped cream and what _looked_ like chocolate flakes adorning the liquid. 

“Ashton, you didn’t have to –”

“I know I didn’t,” Ashton said and he smiled again, a big, crooked, _beautiful_ dimpled smile and Luke was so, _so_ screwed. “But I wanted to.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, do you think Ashton is written okay? I'm worried he's OOC!
> 
> Also please remember to leave comments and kudos so I know what you think! Thank you! :)


	9. The Wastelands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Ashton laughed softly at Luke’s hesitance as he swiped his finger around the inside of the mug, catching the last of the whipped cream and sucking it off. Luke went pink and choked on his hot chocolate._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always find myself writing too much when Ashton makes an appearance...

The coffee shop was filled with a pleasant buttery yellow light from the various lamps hanging from the ceiling and Luke could feel his blond hair slowly starting to dry in the warmth. He was sure he must look a terrible state, even more so next to someone like _Ashton_ , but he tried to look grateful, even if he _was_ more preoccupied with the time.

Luke was quite certain his dad was going to be pretty pissed with him if he stayed out late without asking, and it was already six forty five now. Luke suddenly panicked when he realised that the next bus wasn’t until eight o’clock and Luke _really_ didn’t want to walk through The Wastelands – as his family liked to call it – in the pounding rain. 

“I never asked,” Ashton began suddenly, drawing Luke from his reverie. “How old are you, Luke? Still at school?” Ashton didn’t look like he was _bothered_ as he sipped his cooling hot chocolate but Luke still prepared himself for the : “ _Oh. I see._ ” that would inevitably come before Ashton left him. 

“I’m sixteen,” Luke admitted. “Year eleven.” Ashton just nodded, the contented smile not leaving his tanned face as he drained the last of his hot chocolate with a satisfied sound. “What about you? If… er… y-you don’t mind?” 

Ashton laughed softly at Luke’s hesitance as he swiped his finger around the inside of the mug, catching the last of the whipped cream and sucking it off. Luke went pink and choked on his hot chocolate. 

“I’m eighteen,” Ashton told him casually, brushing his caramel curls away from his forehead with a movement that indicated habit. “You like school, Luke?” 

Luke smiled for the first time in a long time but it wasn’t a _nice_ smile. It was closer to a sneer really. “No,” he said simply. “Did you?” Somehow he could just _tell_ that the boy was no longer there. 

“Not particularly,” Ashton said, a faint frown on his face, presumably as he considered Luke’s answer. “I liked maths at school but I always preferred playing my drum kit at home.” He suddenly looked animated again, Luke’s clipped ‘ _No_ ’ already forgotten apparently. “Hey, Luke, can you play any instruments?” 

Luke was relieved that he finally had something _slightly_ interesting to say, even if he _was_ still panicking at getting home late. “I used to play the guitar but not so much these days,” Luke replied. “I kind of want to get back into it though.” 

Luke had thought it was a lie until he properly considered it and realised that he _did_ miss making music. Strange. Luke hadn’t wanted something like _that_ in a long time.

“You’ll have to show me sometime,” Ashton grinned, his expression hopeful, and Luke ducked his head, embarrassed. Ashton checked the time on his phone then and sighed softly. “It’s almost seven,” he stated with a slight frown. “I’d better head home. Mum needs me to look after my little brother and sister tonight, and she’s going out at eight.” 

“Oh, okay then,” Luke said softly, still thinking about his father. “Couldn’t your dad do it?”

Ashton’s expression hardened slightly. “That would be pretty difficult considering he fucked off over a decade ago.” 

Luke went pale then and bit his lip, forcing his eyes back down to the table top. Maybe then Ashton wouldn’t get angry like Michael did… or maybe he would. Perhaps Luke had _already_ fucked things up with Ashton and, honestly, that had to be a new record even for _him_. It normally took at least a few _hours_ before someone decided they hated him. 

“Hey, don’t look like that,” Ashton said suddenly, his voice shocked, and Luke caught sight of his reflection in the window beside them as the glass held the night at bay. Luke looked white and his eyes were panic-stricken as he sat there, tense and coiled as tightly as a spring. “I was pissed with my _dad_ , Luke. Not you.” 

Luke looked up then and Ashton’s expression was sympathetic. Luke hated it. 

“How are you getting home?” Ashton asked then when he realised that Luke wasn’t going to drink anymore of his hot chocolate. “Have you got a lift waiting or…?”

“No,” Luke said quietly, his voice still shaky from his earlier panic. “I… I’m going to be late now anyway so it doesn’t m-matter.” Luke swallowed reflexively. ‘ _It kind of_ did _though_.’ 

It was like Ashton could read his mind. 

“Right, I’ll drive you home then,” he said. “Where do you live?” 

“The Wastelands,” Luke said automatically, still stunned that Ashton was still being _kind_ to him. When he saw the boy’s perplexed expression, Luke hurriedly added: “It’s about twenty minutes drive out of Sydney. Don’t worry though. I can walk it.” 

His voice must have sounded as hesitant as he felt because Ashton was shaking his head firmly before Luke had even finished speaking. 

“Nope, not gonna happen. Sorry,” Ashton said and he smiled then. “I’ll drive you home. Let me just go and give Samantha a tip though, or she’ll give us mediocre hot chocolate next time, Luke, and we don’t want that!” 

Luke stared after Ashton – the human embodiment of sunshine – as the boy strode over to the counter, and all Luke could do was fight down the butterflies in his stomach as Ashton turned to smile at Luke over his shoulder. 

‘ _Next time_!’ the little voice in Luke’s head whispered ecstatically. ‘ _He said next time_!’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter of Ash next and then the tag "Things get worse before they get better" comes into play!
> 
> You have been warned...
> 
> (Also, please remember to leave comments and kudos! Thank you and keep reading!) :D


	10. A Spark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Ashton gave Luke a reassuring smile, his hand twitching as though he wanted to comfort Luke but didn’t know how. He didn’t seem to realise that his mere _presence_ was enough._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, not going to lie, I cooed writing this. <3
> 
> Hope you enjoy it!

The rain had lessened a little outside by the time Luke and Ashton had left the coffee shop. The sky had a crisp, clean feel to it and the cold rain was refreshing. Luke’s sneakers made an unpleasant squelching sound as he walked, still sopping wet unfortunately, but the blond boy couldn’t quite bring himself to care.

He hadn’t felt this… _light_ in a long time. It was actually sort of nice.

“That’s my car there,” Ashton told Luke, pointing through the darkness. Luke couldn’t see any distinguishing features but it wouldn’t have mattered if he _had_. It wasn’t like he knew a great deal about cars anyway, much to his dad’s disappointment. “So why were you at the beach today?” the older boy continued as they neared his car. Ashton unlocked it quickly and opened Luke’s door for him so that the blond boy could climb in. “Not really the weather for it.”

Luke shrugged half-heartedly, resting his head hesitantly against the window as Ashton put the heating on. The car was nice, if old, and smelt a little like chocolate. It was a good smell. Comforting.

“Didn’t want to think, I guess,” Luke mumbled and it was only after he had spoken aloud that he realised his words probably didn’t make sense.

Strangely, however, Ashton had nodded in agreement as he pulled out of his space in the empty car park. “I know what you mean,” he agreed as Luke watched him curiously. ”It’s hard to worry about anything when you’re looking at something so significant, isn’t it? It’s like escapism, almost. You can just get away for a bit.”

Luke nodded wordlessly, thoroughly confused at the lump rising in his throat. Why would _that_ of all things make him want to cry?

‘ _Because someone understands you,_ ’ that little voice whispered, shell-shocked. ‘ _Because you’re not alone now._ ’

Luke sniffed and fought to keep his voice even as he said: “Something like that.”

Ashton gave Luke a reassuring smile, his hand twitching as though he wanted to comfort Luke but didn’t know how. He didn’t seem to realise that his mere _presence_ was enough.

They didn’t talk anymore on the topic after that because Ashton needed Luke to direct him. Green Day was playing on the radio and Luke found himself singing along almost unconsciously when they reached a long, straight road out of Sydney that didn’t require directions.

“ _I was a young boy that had big plans. Now I’m just another shitty old man. I don’t have fun and I hate everything. The world owes me, so fuck you_ ,” Luke sang softly, abruptly mortified when he saw Ashton watching him out of the corner of his eye.

“Relax, Luke,” Ashton smiled gently. “You’re _good_. And I’m trying not to be _really_ impressed that you know the lyrics to a Green Day song.”

Luke shot Ashton the faintest hint of a smirk despite himself.

“Oh _please_ ,” he mumbled. “I know the lyrics to _all_ of Green Day’s songs.”

Ashton laughed delightedly. “You’ve just gone up in my estimations, Lukey boy!”

‘ _Lukey boy_?’ Luke mouthed to himself but there was a smile on his face and the ice in his heart was melting into his stomach and filling it with warm, fluttery butterflies.

“The turn off for my place is just up here,” Luke said unwillingly then when he saw a familiar looming blackness, a sharp contrast against the stars in the night behind it.

“The skies are so beautiful this far out,” Ashton noted with awe as he steered into Luke’s front yard and turned the engine off. The silence was suddenly deafening.

“You didn’t drive me into the middle of nowhere and kill me then,” Luke mumbled because he had to say _something_. The quiet was eating away at him. “Oh my god, why did I say that?!” Luke immediately groaned, covering his face with his hands.

Ashton laughed, releasing his seatbelt and pulling his mobile out of the pocket of his ripped jeans. “I _did_ drive you out into the middle of nowhere,” he said fairly, the grin on his face displaying his dimples. “I just don’t have any plans to kill you yet.”

“ _Yet_ ,” Luke echoed and he gave a breathless laugh which abruptly stunned him into silence. He knew for a _fact_ that he hadn’t laughed once since Michael had started bullying him and it shocked Luke more than he could say that Ashton had made him chuckle.

Ashton shook his head fondly at Luke’s expression before he passed his phone over, already on the contacts screen. “Add your number?” he suggested and Luke looked up at him with wide eyes. Ashton just smiled, his expression almost… _shy_. “I mean, you don’t _have_ to,” he said hurriedly, “I just thought –”

“That’d be cool,” Luke said as calmly as he could manage. “And you can text so I can save your number too, okay?”

“That sounds good,” Ashton smiled and Luke’s heart started to race as he put his number into Ashton’s phone, checking and double-checking that he had got it right before he passed it back. His fingers brushed Ashton’s and it was like a jolt of electricity coursing through his system, like adrenaline-spiked blood.

Luke gasped and snatched his hand back. Ashton looked concerned.

“You know I don’t normally get in the car with people I don’t know,” Luke said in an attempt to distract Ashton. He felt another surge of bitterness then because that statement was _laughably_ accurate.

“Well you know _me_ now,” Ashton said with a fake wounded look. Luke rolled his eyes to hide his contentment.

“I know I do,” the blond boy said and then he hefted his backpack up onto one shoulder and undid his seatbelt. “Thanks for… well, _everything_ I guess. You didn’t have to do it.”

“I know I didn’t,” Ashton repeated, his dimpled smile shining on his face again. “But I _wanted_ to.” He gave Luke a small, awkward-looking wave as the blond boy climbed out of the car and Luke’s heart melted. “See you soon, yeah?”

Luke smiled properly and it felt foreign on his face.

“Of course.” Luke shut the door and Ashton leant across to unroll the window.

“I’ll text you,” Ashton promised and, true to his word, Luke had barely got in the house when his phone vibrated in his pocket.

Frowning and hoping that Ashton wasn’t texting while he was driving, Luke looked through the window and gave a startled laugh when he saw that Ashton hadn’t even driven away yet. Smiling despite himself, Luke looked at the text with a peculiar fondness in his chest.

‘ _ **thanks for having hot chocolate with me. think we have lots in common! hope we can meet up soon. :) p.s. put your sneakers upside down on a radiator. might dry them out quicker. A x**_ ’

Luke leant against the wall, a gentle smile on his face as, finally, Ashton drove away, honking the horn on his car as he did so. Luke laughed again and rolled his eyes, clutching his phone to his chest like a lifeline.

He remembered the feeling of Ashton’s hand against his and his heart raced.

A jolt of electricity.

Adrenaline-spiked blood.

 _A spark_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was that okay? Did you guys like it?
> 
> Please leave comments and kudos to let me know! :)
> 
> Last happy chapter for a little while I think...


	11. Too Good To Be True

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _"E-excuse me..." Luke spoke hesitantly, his chest a little tight. "Are... Are you alright? Sorry, s-stupid question... Um..."_  
>  _The crying figure looked up then and Luke _froze_ when he saw a flash of purple._"'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I hope you guys enjoy this chapter! Also I'm writing this on my iPad so if there are any mistakes then I am very sorry and will try to rectify them ASAP!  
> Enjoy!

Luke should have  _known_ it wouldn't last.

He'd hitched a ride into Sydney with his dad and from there he'd caught the bus to school. His morning lessons had - thankfully - been uninterrupted by Michael and his stupid friends, and Luke had dared to think that maybe they'd  _finally_ got bored. Maybe they would leave him alone now!

With the gift of hindsight, Luke could see that his whole _morning_  has been too good to be true, from his brother letting him ride shotgun to getting an A on his music project, and  _especially_ the good morning text Ashton had sent him as soon as he had woken up.

Luke had been on his way back from the cafeteria and heading towards his next lesson - PE this time, and they were playing football luckily - when Luke had heard an odd noise coming from a deserted corridor.

He had stood stock still as he tried to identify the sound, tilting his head to one side as he listened intently.

' _There it was again,_ ' Luke thought with rapidly widening eyes. A  _sob_. Someone was  _crying_ and Luke was damned if he knew what he was supposed to do in this situation.

He rounded the corner slowly, hesitantly, but whoever was crying had the hood of their jacket pulled up and it was impossible to identify them. All Luke could see was that they were hunched up on the floor with their knees pulled tightly to their chest and their arms wrapped around their legs. Luke knew  _that_ position well enough. It was how he ended up most nights.

"E-excuse me..." Luke spoke hesitantly, his chest a little tight. "Are... Are you alright? Sorry, s-stupid question... Um..."

The crying figure looked up then and Luke  _froze_ when he saw a flash of purple.

"P-piss off, H-Hemmings!" Michael Clifford spat as tears rolled down his cheeks. He wiped them away hard with the edge of his sleeve and scrambled to his feet, hefting his backpack up onto his shoulder and elbowing Luke in the stomach hard enough that the younger boy stumbled into the wall with a thump.

"What the f-fuck were you  _d-doing_ , you fucking loser?! S-spying on m-me?! F-fuck off, you  _f-fag_!"

Luke opened his mouth wordlessly and Michael kicked out at him, panicking now. His boot collided with Luke's shin and a pained gasp escaped him. Michael stared for a moment, as frozen as Luke had been, until a broken sob tore its way free and sent him wheeling down the corridor.

Luke watched him go silently, and a single tear rolled down his cheek as he looked down at his phone which had fallen onto the floor and remembered the text Ashton had sent him.

Luke stifled a sob and wished that the curly-haired boy was here now.

He picked his phone up off the floor and sighed softly. It seemed to be functioning just about but the screen was cracked and broken... just like Luke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will all make sense in the end...  
> Also, please remember to leave comments and kudos! Thank you!!


	12. Barbed Wire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _The hot water ran down his face in rivulets and the water draining away was a murky pink. The cuts on his wrists and thighs were shallow but sore, and the tightness in Luke's chest was more painful than it had ever been._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Luke :'(

Luke stood in the shower with his head bowed.

The hot water ran down his face in rivulets and the water draining away was a murky pink. The cuts on his wrists and thighs were shallow but sore, and the tightness in Luke's chest was more painful than it had ever been. The boiling water was hurting him and Luke hissed in pain but he didn't move.

The knot in his chest was still there and it hadn't loosened at  _all_ , damnit! Luke couldn't get out of the shower yet. Not until the tightness was gone.

Luke's hand shot out shakily for the razor blade and the next cut was a scalding kiss, razor-sharp and deadly and sickeningly familiar. It was as gentle as a lover's kiss, and as sharp and dangerous and fucking  _twisted_ as barbed wire.

Luke cut again... And again... And  _again_...

The tears coursed down his cheeks but it was impossible to distinguish them from the rapidly-cooling water of the shower.

The blade slipped deeper and the nick it made fucking  _hurt_ then.

Luke cried out and the makeshift knife tumbled onto the floor of the shower through limp fingers.

"God,  _please_ ," Luke whispered and he didn't know what he was praying for as he crumpled, curling up in the corner of the cubicle as the blood welled up on his scarred arm. "Please, fucking  _please_..."

Luke closed his eyes and clutched his arm to his chest, the water leaving the barest hint of blood on his collarbone. His blond hair was flat against his forehead and his breath came in gasps as the water began to run cold.

Luke fought for breath in the wet air of the shower and shivered violently as he pressed himself back further against the cool tiles, curling up smaller and struggling... choking... gasping... _begging_...

For what, Luke couldn't say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this update was okay! Things are taking a peculiar turn soon...  
> Also please leave comments and kudos as it means the world!


	13. That Met His Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _'You'll be okay,' Luke told himself frantically, even as the blood stained the sleeves of his pyjama shirt an ominous red. ' _Fuck, you'll be okay. It's just a bit of blood. It's only a bit of blood...'__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for self harm and similar.

' _ **it's been 3 days and you haven't replied to my texts. if you dont want to talk anymore, please just tell me and I'll leave you alone. but honestly, luke, I'm worried. you looked so sad at the beach but I made you smile. please text me back, luke. i want to make you smile again. A**_   **x** '

Luke sat on his bedroom floor in silence as his hair slowly dried after his freezing shower, his back pressed against his door, despite the fact that the house was empty. His dad had got into a fight with his wife over the phone and Luke's mum hadn't come home yet, and Ben and Jack seemed to think it was best if they just  _didn't_ come home while their parents were fighting. Andrew had apparently decided that it was best to stay out too, and the pub had become his new home.

And Luke had been left alone, and the cuts on his arms were deeper and more vicious, and Luke couldn't quite bring himself to care.

Luke scrolled through the rest of the texts he had been ignoring and stared in abject horror at the message that met his eyes.

' _ **if you haven't replied by 7pm on friday, I'm coming to yours to check on you. I hate to pry but I'm frightened for you. A**_ **x** '

Luke stared with wide eyes as the digital clock on his bedside table proudly displayed  _ **19:01**_ for all to see.

' _ **leaving now. A**_ **x** '

Luke scrambled to his feet and ran downstairs, hitting his shoulder hard on the doorframe in his haste to find the first aid kit. He clambered up onto the kitchen counter and hauled it down from the top of the fridge, all the while blessing anyone who might be listening that he was almost six feet tall.

Luke swayed dizzily as he climbed down from the counter and straightened up, but he wrote that off as poor blood pressure and not something  _terrifying_ like blood loss.

' _You'll be okay,_ ' Luke told himself frantically, even as the blood stained the sleeves of his pyjama shirt an ominous red. ' _Fuck, you'll be okay. It's just a bit of blood. It's only a bit of blood..._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hated writing this but it's necessary for us to learn more about Ashton's character next time.  
> Hope it's okay, and please leave comments and kudos so I know what you thought :)


	14. Desperate Need

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"Luke, god, what have you _done_ to yourself?!" Ashton gasped, suddenly  _sprinting_ over. "Oh god, Luke, no! Right, come with me _now_! You're going to the hospital and I'm not taking no for an answer!"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not a very nice chapter I'm afraid :(  
> But necessary though. Unfortunately.

Luke was sitting on the front porch when Ashton's battered grey car screeched to a stop in his front yard. The sleeves of Luke's Superman pyjama top were completely stuck to his wrists and his face was an unnatural white colour. Ashton was already halfway to the house when he saw Luke sitting there and stumbled, almost falling.

"Luke, god, what have you _done_ to yourself?!" Ashton gasped, suddenly  _sprinting_ over. "Oh god, Luke, no! Right, come with me _now_! You're going to the hospital and I'm not taking no for an answer!"

Ashton was incredibly careful not to touch Luke's wrists when he helped him up, but he kept a secure arm wrapped around his waist as he led him towards the car. Luke felt guilty for enjoying his warmth so much. "Luke, this is important. Are you hurt anywhere else?"

"Thighs," Luke mumbled because it seemed pointless to lie. "Stomach."

Ashton made a small choking sound but otherwise said nothing as he helped Luke into the car, carefully but swiftly folding his jacket to cushion Luke's sore stomach with so he could put the seatbelt on. "Sit tight," Ashton said thickly before he positively  _ran_ around the car to his side.

He pulled the car out onto the road and was soon barrelling down the road, and Luke rested his cheek against the cool glass once more. The radio was playing softly and Ashton reached across hesitantly to grip Luke's hand gently, clearly worried that he was going to hurt him but also aware that the younger boy  _desperately_ needed the comfort.

"I've got a Superman top on," Luke noticed weakly, and Ashton's laugh was brittle and forced.

"Terrible taste, Lukey," Ashton muttered. "Everyone  _knows_ that Marvel is better than DC."

Luke scoffed but his eyelids were sliding shut as an unexpected wave of tiredness washed over him. Ashton went white.

"Luke, _fuck_ , please, you've gotta stay awake for me. Luke, I -  _LUKE! Wake the fuck up!_ "

"Never heard you swear before," Luke mumbled but he didn't open his eyes until Ashton turned the radio up loudly as they raced along.

"Let's sing," Ashton suggested but he jammed his lips together tightly as Luke breathlessly joined in the familiar song, his pulse so loud in his ears that he could barely hear the music.

" _Where are you and I'm so sorry, I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight, I need somebody and always. This sick strange darkness, Comes creeping on so haunting every time. And as I stared I counted, Webs from all the spiders, Catching things and eating their insides, Like indecision to call you and hear your voice of treason, Will you come home and stop this pain tonight. Stop this pain tonight_..."

Ashton actually let loose a sob then but he didn't turn the radio off because it was keeping Luke awake. He simply gripped Luke's hand tighter, sped up, and tried very hard not to cry as they rushed towards the hospital.

It was only when Ashton half-carried him into the hospital and  _screamed_ for someone to help them that Luke realised Ashton had only met him once before in his life.

"You're alright y'know," Luke mumbled, patting Ashton's cheek vaguely with one hand as his vision began to dim. "You're alright..."

Ashton gave him a watery smile despite everything and pressed a chaste kiss to Luke's sweaty forehead. He was trembling and shaking, and nausea was unfurling itself in his stomach. He was clearly going into shock.

"You're not so bad yourself, Lukey," Ashton whispered as medical staff rushed towards them. They lifted Luke onto a stretcher and hurried him away, but Ashton refused to release his hand.

Luke passed out with a faint smile on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope that was okay.  
> It'll pick up again soon though. I promise.  
> Also comments and kudos are much appreciated. Thank you and keep reading - I'll update soon.


	15. Sunshine Personified

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"Luke, you were bleeding out in your front yard," Ashton replied shortly, his voice still curiously detached. Luke looked up at him then and saw the fire burning in his hazel eyes. 'He's trying not to lose it,' Luke realised and it sent a thrill of fear through him. "And besides, I couldn't very well just leave you there."_   
>  _'He's angry too. Even though it's not his fault...'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohhh these chapters are painful :(  
> I hope you like this update though!

The first thing Luke asked when he woke up was: "Have they told my parents?"

He had to squint against the harsh lighting of the hospital but he could still make out the grim expression on Ashton's face as he shook his head once, the movement jerky. His jaw was set and he looked unhappy about it.

"... No," he replied after a long pause. "You're sixteen and patient confidentiality only requires the hospital to tell your next of kin if you're a danger to yourself." He was quiet for a long moment. "If you're  _unstable_ ," Ashton said quietly, his voice empty. "If you're liable to _k-kill_  yourself."

Luke looked up sharply then, his blond hair limp against his forehead and his blue eyes wide. He quickly became aware of the bandages wrapped securely around his wrists, thighs and stomach, and nervous butterflies quickly made themselves apparent. Luke realised with a jolt - perhaps stupidly - that his pyjamas had been removed and replaced with a hospital gown.

"Ashton, I..." Luke's bottom lip wobbled despite himself and suddenly - after _such_ a long time of burying his emotions under layer after layer of depression - Luke actually allowed himself to  _feel_ again. The sudden onslaught of emotions was crushing.

"Ash,  _god_ ," Luke whispered and his hand shot out towards Ashton's, seemingly of it's own accord. " _Fuck_ , Ash, I'm sorry you had to see that. God, I... I'm not unstable or suicidal. I  _promise_ I'm not. I just... went too far," Luke finished lamely, hanging his head.

His heart was thundering in his chest as his old emotions roared through him and tears dripped down his pale cheeks of their own accord. "Why'd you save me like that?" he mumbled, keeping his eyes averted as his hand fisted into the sheets on the bed.

"Luke, you were bleeding out in your front yard," Ashton replied shortly, his voice still curiously detached. Luke looked up at him then and saw the fire burning in his hazel eyes. ' _He's trying not to lose it,_ ' Luke realised and it sent a thrill of fear through him. "And besides, I couldn't very well just  _leave_ you there."

' _He's angry too. Even though it's not his fault..._ '

" Ash, this isn't your -" He fell abruptly silent at the look the older boy shot him. "I was just a bit upset. And... And I screwed up. And I'll never be able to tell you how grateful I am that you were there to pick up the pieces."

"I thought you were going to  _die_ ," Ashton breathed, his voice hollow. Suddenly he broke. "God, Luke, I was so  _scared_. I thought you were going to bleed out in my car and I wouldn't even have been able to _save_ you." His thumb traced Luke's jaw once, so lightly that Luke barely felt it, and then he gently removed the fistful of blanket from Luke's hand and covered the much-smaller hand with his own.

"And you were more than ' _a bit upset_ '," Ashton spat out suddenly. "I saw it at the beach, Luke, and again when I found you earlier."

"Saw what?" Luke breathed, suddenly, inexplicably frightened.

"I saw your  _eyes_ , Luke." He stopped like that explained it but elaborated when Luke simply stared at him in wordless confusion. "Some people cut their skin when they're  _unhappy_." His voice twisted bitterly when he spoke and he fiddled with the numerous bracelets covering his wrists. Luke tracked the movement, eyes wide.

' _No... Not you too, Ash. Please... Not you too..._ "

"Other people are better at hiding the fact that their world is falling apart... That they're hurting..." He carried on, oblivious, and Luke's heart broke as he withdrew his hand from beneath Ashton's and patted his forearm lightly instead. Ashton closed his eyes then and a tear slipped down his cheek unbidden. Luke turned his head away and stifled a sob in his clean-smelling pillow.

"With other people... You can look in their eyes, Luke, and you can see that they're  _bleeding_. You can see that they're letting the pain and the hurt they feel damage them  _inside_ too, and you can see how it's eating away at them. Luke, I think... I think that might be what you're feeling. And... And if I can help you in  _any_ way - no matter how small - then I want you to absolutely _promise_ to tell me. Whether that means you ringing me at four in the morning or turning up at my house uninvited or... Or hurting  _me_ when you need a r-release... I need you to p-promise me, Luke. _P-please_."

"I..." Luke regarded Ashton with wide eyes, still utterly confused that this strange, beautiful boy  _cared_. That was otherworldly for him. "Ash, I promise but... I could  _never_ hurt you." He didn't know how it was true, only that it was, absolutely and without fail. "Thank you for saving me, Ash," Luke added in a broken whisper. "I don't know what I'd have done without you."

Both of them shuddered, like it was too painful and frightening to think about.

"You called me ' _Ash_ ,'" Ashton realised suddenly, a small, slightly surprised smile on his face, despite everything that had happened that evening. Suddenly, he was sunshine personified again.

"I did," Luke realised suddenly, his cheeks flushing, his voice still weak. "Sorry. I didn't mean to presume -"

"It's okay," Ashton promised and he took Luke's hand so,  _so_ softly and held it, cradling it between his larger, calloused hands like it was made of glass. "I like it."

"You've only really _known_ me for a day," Luke suddenly breathed and Ashton's hold on his hand inexplicably tightened. The pair were silent for a long time.

"I don't think that matters, Luke," Ashton said at last.

Luke found that he couldn't disagree in good faith.

It _felt_ like he'd known Ashton his whole life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise there's only a handful more REALLY sad chapters and then, if I stick to my plan, things are going to improve, starting with Luke's relationship with Calum and Michael, and of course Ashton.  
> Please remember to leave comments and kudos for me so I know what you thought, and thanks for the people who have already commented! It means a lot! :) x


	16. A Little Darker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _The day Luke let go of Ash's hand out of choice was a day Luke didn't want to live through._  
>  _And _god_ \- when had Luke started to feel like _that_?!_ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this in Costa, along with the next half, so hopefully it's okay. I was a little distracted at the time...  
> Enjoy!

The next few days passed in a blur of aching pain, changed bandages, Ash's concerned looks, and numerous concerned phone calls from relatives that usually included: " _Yeah, I can't believe I fell when I was carrying that knife either. It's lucky my friend found me_."

Luke knew the lie was flimsy at best and, every time he used it, Ash's expression became a little darker, and the grip he held Luke's hand with became almost _painfully_ tight.

Luke didn't let go though. _Fuck_ no.

The day Luke let go of Ash's hand out of choice was a day Luke didn't want to live through.

And _god_ \- when had Luke started to feel like _that_?!

Ash was an almost constant presence during those days, even if Luke's lie _did_ appear to cut him deeper than Luke's razor blades _ever_ could, and Luke flinched as he thought that, because Ash hurting himself was too terrible even to _consider_.

And Luke could see where Ash was coming from, he really could. He knew that the very moment any of his relatives saw his scars, they would _know_ , but that didn't stop the words tumbling from Luke's mouth.

They'd never cared before. Or - more _accurately_ \- they'd never _noticed_ that anything was wrong.

Luke thought that maybe that stung even more.

Maybe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed this!  
> Please remember to leave kudos and comments - thank you! :D


	17. All Encompassing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Ash appeared in the doorway then, his face carefully stoic but cold - god,_ so _cold, like a frozen sun - and Andrew jumped at the sight of him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Got a bit carried away in the sun outside costa drinking a caramel latte cooler.... Hence, sunburn. Terrible **TERRIBLE** sunburn...  
>  But anyway, enjoy!!

When Andrew Hemmings finally made an appearance late on Sunday evening - more than half drunk as he stumbled through the door to Luke's hospital room - Ash excused himself and quickly made himself scarce, choosing to linger in the corridor outside beside the snack machine instead of abandoning the blond boy completely.

Luke was grateful for that and he drew strength from the anxious tapping of Ash's foot as he waited.

"Dad, what have you told mum?" Luke asked in a soft, hoarse voice. He hadn't been doing a great deal of talking over the weekend, other than to placate a concerned, vaguely dubious doctor of his sound mental health.

"Just what you told me," Andrew replied as he half-sat, half-fell heavily into the blue plastic hospital chair with a low groan. His words were slurred, his eyes bloodshot. Luke had to look away for a moment, almost _ashamed_ , despite his own actions of the last few days.... or _years_...

"I said that you told me you'd fallen while you were making dinner for your friend." He paused, fixing Luke with a surprisingly heavy stare, and the blond boy stiffened minutely. Ash's foot stopped tapping in the corridor. It was clear he was listening.

"I didn't think you _had_ any friends," he drawled and then he laughed uproariously and smacked Luke's leg in a show of solidarity, making his youngest son wince with pain. "Well done, son! Didn't think you'd ever manage to pull that off!" Luke's wince this time didn't stem from the pain.

Ash appeared in the doorway then, his face carefully stoic but cold - god, _so_ cold, like a frozen sun - and Andrew jumped at the sight of him.

"Er... Who're you?" he slurred and Ash's nostrils flared angrily.

"I'm Luke's best friend," Ash said coldly, and perhaps a little presumptuously. Luke's eyes widened and the ice that had once again frozen his heart slowly began to melt. "And you're upsetting him. I think it's time for you to leave."

Ash's tone was so authoritative that Andrew actually got up, his cheeks red with alcohol and exertion, his eyes tired. "I only wanted to help," he mumbled and Luke reached out hesitantly and gripped Andrew's arm lightly for a moment.

"You did help, dad," Luke promised weakly. "You brought me clean clothes. Thank you."

Andrew's chest swelled importantly then and Luke's heart resonated a different sort of ache.

"I do question your fashion taste though," Luke muttered then, earning so light a smack around the head that he barely felt it. "You'll have me wearing _your_ clothes probably."

Andrew snorted then. "Give me a little credit, son. I just picked up the ones I've seen you wear too many times. The shirt had a few holes in it actually but you seem to like it so..."

Luke's eyes swam with tears then and, still not used to allowing himself to _feel_ , he gave his dad a watery smile.

"Thank you," he said sincerely and Ash drew away, suddenly finding a blank stretch of mint green hospital room wall _very_ interesting. "You get a taxi home or something safely now, dad. Okay? I'll be home tomorrow, all being well."

"We can only hope," Andrew said and his weak smile gave way to a more serious expression then as he gripped Luke's shoulder gently. "How did you grow up so quickly?" he asked softly, more to himself than Luke.

His son answered anyway, perhaps cruelly.

"I didn't grow up quickly, dad," Luke said honestly and Ash's hazel eyes flickered around to watch Luke over his shoulder. "You just weren't looking."

Andrew hung his head then and, when he left, he looked like the visit had aged him ten years. Luke watched him go, his eyes fathoms deep, and he knew that he _should_ feel bad but that didn't change the fact that he _didn't_.

There was a long moment of silence in the room after Andrew had left and, when Ash finally hesitantly approached the bed, he touched Luke's jaw again, just quickly, before he let his hand drop to his side. Luke watched him with wide blue eyes.

"What clothes has he brought you then?" Ash asked softly because the silence needed to be broken and that was as good a topic to discuss as any.

Luke smiled halfheartedly despite himself and passed the plastic bag to Ash. "You can do the honours," he grinned, immediately flushing when Ash withdrew a pair of Batman boxers with a carefully blank expression, although his eyebrows rose fractionally. The pair managed not to laugh for about two seconds and then, suddenly - _thank god_ \- the tension in the room melted away.

"Marvel's still better," Ash murmured, smirking as he carefully set out a pair of ripped black skinny jeans and Luke's underwear on the bed. He extracted Luke's absolutely _favourite_ t-shirt then and his expression rapidly became impressed.

"Green Day?" Ash grinned as he looked at the t-shirt appreciatively. "I _knew_ there was a reason I liked you, Lukey." Ash seemed to realise what he'd said then and he blushed as red as Luke.

 _'Ash likes me. I don't know why but he **likes** me_.'

Luke's grin was all encompassing when he spoke next.

"Told you I had good taste," Luke breathed, a faint smile touching his lips. "And to think you gave me grief for my DC shirt." He suddenly frowned. "Where _is_ that anyway?"

"Too much blood," Ash replied after a long moment and all traces of amusement in his voice had been replaced with _pain_. "They had to throw it out."

Luke tried not to think about that as he grabbed Ash's arm lightly and tugged him gently towards the bed, his grip purposefully loose enough that it would be easy for Ash to break away if he wanted to.

Apparently he didn't want to.

Ash allowed himself to be pulled down onto the bed beside Luke and he shuffled back so that he was resting against the wall at the head of the bed. Hesitantly - so, so hesitantly, and fearing rejection the entire time - Luke nestled down beside him and, after several seconds of awkward rigidity, Ash's arm wrapped warmly around Luke's shoulders and the younger boy released a relieved sob.

"I'm sorry, I'm so s-sorry," Luke breathed, burrowing into Ash's warmth and clutching at him like a frightened child.

Ash seemed to think for a few moments before he adjusted his position so that he was more lying than sitting. He let Luke rest his head on his chest and held him tightly, aware that Luke _needed_ it, even if it did hurt him.

"Please don't h-hate me," Luke whispered, even as he became aware of the fact that he had _no_ right to ask that of Ash. Of Ash who was so _perfect_ and kind and wonderful and _beautiful_. Of Ash who would always be worth a hundred _million_ times what Luke ever was. " _P-please_..." Luke finished hopelessly, closing his eyes and preparing himself for the rejection that never came.

What _did_ happen next made his eyes open slowly and widen in wonder.

Because Ash had _kissed_ his forehead! Just a gentle brush of his warm, perfect lips, but Luke felt it vibrating through him and his blood thrummed with newfound warmth, and Luke's heart thawed.

"I could never hate you," Ash promised and - despite the self-doubt, despite the self- _hatred_ that Luke struggled with on a daily basis - he heard the truth in Ash's words.

"I don't hate you either," Luke mumbled, perhaps stupidly, and if ridiculously happy tears began to roll down their cheeks then, neither of them cared to admit it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it!  
> And please leave comments and kudos :)


	18. Heartened

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _"And were you good at playing drums then?" Luke asked, still smiling. "Did you turn out to be a natural?"_
> 
> _Ash released a peal of delighted laughter and Luke's heart melted once more._
> 
>  _"No!" Ash cried and he actually hit the steering wheel with his palm, laughing uproariously all the while. "God, Luke, I was terrible at it! It was shameful! I went to the kid's house and he laughed at me!" He saw the look of forced sympathy that was doting a poor job of hiding the mirth in Luke's eyes, and Ash beamed. "I'm a lot better now though," he said proudly._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am half-submerged in After Sun but it's not helping! *sob*  
> Anyway, hope you enjoy this chapter! I love Ash far too much ... And Luke ... Gah... *sobs again*  
> This chapter is some blessed relief though! Enjoy!

"When are you going back to school?" Ash asked Luke tentatively as he pulled out onto the road beyond the hospital, and away. Luke looked over at Ash timidly, his eyes wide and mournful.

"There's no point in staying at home  _thinking_ about things," Luke muttered, his expression downcast now. "So maybe tomorrow... Day after at the latest... Dad will want to know why, if I don't. And I've already  _barely_ appeased mum. If I stay in my room, she's going to come home, and then her and dad -" Luke faltered then and looked down instead, suddenly finding his fingernails and the faint chocolatey scent of Ash's car a  _lot_ more interesting.

"So..." Ash said delicately. "Tomorrow... You sure you're ready for that, Lukey?" His voice had a faint, poorly hidden note of concern in it and he reached out to squeeze Luke's knee comfortingly after he spoke.

Luke shivered despite himself and bit his lip.

"I  _am_ going to school tomorrow," Luke said slowly, his voice a little breathless as the tight knot in his chest returned with a vengeance. "And, to answer your question on whether I'm ready or not, that would have to be a resounding: ' _no, not even a little bit_ '." Ash smiled at Luke's vehemence but his hazel eyes were sad. "Distract me?" Luke suggested, immediately blushing furiously when Ash wiggled his eyebrows in what he  _clearly_ assumed was a seductive manner. "Tell me something about you."

Ash was quiet for a long moment as he thought, and then a slow smile touched his lips as he left Sydney behind and roared down the road towards The Wastelands.

"Okay, you remember I play the drums, right?" he checked. Luke grinned and nodded.

"Of course." He exchanged a soft smile with Ash before the older boy continued.

"Okay, so when I was in my second year of primary school, my friend started playing the guitar and loved bands, so - naturally - he asked what instruments I could play. And I went: ' _ummm ahhhh drums!_ ' and, once he'd gone, I panicked because that was a total lie - I'd never played the drums in my life!" Luke laughed in surprise and Ash carried on, heartened.

"Anyway, I lied about that and the guy goes: ' _sweet, come round this weekend and we'll learn some songs!_ ' and, that afternoon, I went home and played my stepdad's drum kit for the first time. And honestly, I think it was one of the best things I've ever done."

Luke smiled softly as Ash's story came to an end.

"And were you good at playing drums then?" Luke asked, still smiling. "Did you turn out to be a natural?"

Ash released a peal of delighted laughter and Luke's heart melted once more.

"No!" Ash cried and he actually hit the steering wheel with his palm, laughing uproariously all the while. "God, Luke, I was  _terrible_ at it! It was shameful! I went to the kid's house and he  _laughed_ at me!" He saw the look of forced sympathy that was doing a poor job of hiding the mirth in Luke's eyes, and Ash beamed. "I'm a lot better now though," he said proudly.

Luke squeezed the hand that had returned to its place on his knee.

"I can well believe that," Luke allowed and Ash's smile gentled, became softer and sweeter.

"You're too kind," he said and he didn't sound like he was joking.

Luke thought of Michael Clifford then and his arsehole-ish tendencies, and his laugh was not pleasant.

Ash simply squeezed his knee comfortingly - having seemingly detected his sudden change in mood by the tenseness of the muscles beneath his hand - and Luke had never been more grateful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just really love exploring Ash's relationship with Luke and seeing where they end up. I kind of love this pairing a lot but I'm also incredibly excited to explore Michael and Calum's relationship a little more soon too....  
> Stay tuned! And thank you for leaving comments and kudos - please continue to do so as it means the absolute world and only encourages me to write more!  
> Thanks! <3 :)


	19. Wonderstruck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Calum squeezed Luke’s shoulder hesitantly – clearly still remembering how Luke wouldn’t take his hand before – and Luke leaned into it with a soft sigh. Ever since he had let himself _feel_ again, he had realised how _starved_ of human touch he had been._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this update is okay! Enjoy! :)

Ash was right about how hard school was.

Luke didn’t quite know how to _cope_ with the sheer noise of the place, especially after spending several quiet, secluded days alone with Ash in a hospital room. The contrasts now were startling. 

‘ _ **you okay, Lukey? A x**_ ’ 

Luke replied to the message from Ash between his maths and science class, and he was still smiling at it when a boy suddenly decided to lean against the wall in front of him, effectively blocking his path. Luke saw a flash of purple hair, and the cuts on his arms, thighs and stomach gave a phantom throb. 

“So, Hemmings.” Michael’s green eyes narrowed at Luke as the taller boy shrank back a little. “Where’ve you been?” 

“N-nowhere,” Luke stammered, his cheeks suddenly flaming when he recalled the _last_ time he had seen Michael. He had been crying in an empty corridor. “Please m-move. I need to go to b-biology and –”

“Why should I care?” Michael asked bluntly and Luke stared at him, his expression almost… _appraising_. Because something was _off_ here… _wrong_. Michael was being combative, _yes_ , but then he wouldn’t have been Michael if he _wasn’t_... but this still felt different to how he usually behaved. 

In fact, now that Luke thought about it, he was quite sure he could still see the sadness buried in Michael’s eyes as he tried to muster up his usual hateful glare. This time it was, to say the least, wholly unimpressive. 

Michael’s friend – ‘ _Calum,_ ’ Luke’s brain supplied – appeared at the end of the corridor then and his expression was clearly indecisive as he walked closer, eventually coming to stand beside Luke as he worried his bottom lip between his teeth. 

“Mikey, this needs to stop,” Calum said firmly and the sigh that escaped Luke was not quiet enough.

Michael looked up at Calum then with poorly hidden anguish, and Luke was suddenly, _painfully_ reminded of Ash’s words from a few days previously: 

“ _You can look in their eyes, Luke, and you can see that they're bleeding. You can see that they're letting the pain and the hurt they feel damage them inside too, and you can see how it's eating away at them._ ”

Michael shot a feeble, experimental punch at Luke’s shoulder then - clearly panicking - but it was light enough that Luke didn’t even flinch. Calum glared at Michael and the purple-haired boy backed away with wide eyes before he turned on his heel and half-ran out of the building. 

Calum and Luke watched him go in silence. 

“Is he alright?” Luke asked hesitantly and the look Calum gave him was almost _wonderstruck_.

“ _God_ , Hemmings! He does all that shit to you and you still care if he’s okay or not?” Calum asked in disbelief and Luke shrugged, abruptly embarrassed. 

“Was just wondering,” Luke mumbled, dropping his head so that his blond hair tumbled forwards to hide his eyes. “Don’t _care_. I just… wondered.” 

Calum squeezed Luke’s shoulder hesitantly – clearly still remembering how Luke wouldn’t take his hand before – and Luke leaned into it with a soft sigh. Ever since he had let himself feel again, he had realised how starved of human touch he had been. 

It made his heart feel hollow and it kind of _hurt_.

“I wish there were more people in the world like you, Hemmings,” Calum said sincerely and Luke’s cheeks tinted pink. 

“I’m not sure that would be a good idea,” he muttered. 

Luke refused to meet Calum’s gaze after that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys all enjoyed this update!  
> Things will come to a head soon.... I have plans. :P  
> Please remember to leave comments and kudos as they mean the world, and I absolutely _love_ hearing what you think! It makes my day! :D


	20. Still You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _It didn’t take long for Luke to bring the older boy up-to-date with everything that had happened and, unsurprisingly, he was angry. Perhaps _more_ surprising was just _how_ angry he was with the concept of someone hurting Luke, whether mentally _or_ physically._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh I wrote this in like 3 minutes before a meeting and I hope it's okay! Enjoy! :)

Luke had caught the bus to the outskirts of Sydney but he had chosen to take the long walk back to The Wastelands that afternoon. The day was a pleasant enough temperature and there was a slight breeze so it was with relative comfort that Luke walked home.

Luke had texted Ash to let him know he was out of school and Ash had rang him almost immediately once he had ascertained that it was okay to do so.

“– and then I’ve just spent the day working in my stepdad’s garage,” Ash told Luke cheerfully as the younger boy kicked a pebble across the empty tarmac of the deserted road. He briefly entertained thoughts of Ash working on cars in a vest, his tanned skin gleaming with sweat and spattered with engine oil, before Luke swallowed, felt a bit like a pervert, and adjusted his jeans as he strode along.

“So how was your day?” Ash asked and, from the very faint smirk Luke could hear in his voice, he thought maybe the older boy _knew_ what effect he had on Luke.

“Uh…” Images of Michael’s twisted face and Calum’s unhappy, indecisive determination flashed behind Luke’s eyes, and he faltered. “I… don’t actually know.”

There was a brief silence on the other end of the line and Luke could only hear the crackle of static.

“Explain,” Ash said at last. “Please.”

It didn’t take long for Luke to bring the older boy up-to-date with everything that had happened and, unsurprisingly, he was angry. Perhaps _more_ surprising was just _how_ angry he was with the concept of someone hurting Luke, whether mentally _or_ physically.

“How _dare_ he?!” Ash protested loudly and his rant continued on for some minutes, finally ending with: “– because you’re _brilliant_ and you don’t deserve that – _no one_ deserves that! – and it’s not on! I swear to god, if I see that _Clifford_ kid I’ll –”

“Ash, _please_ ,” Luke mumbled, embarrassed, and Ash suddenly fell silent, somehow managing to convey confusion and _pleading_ through the static. “I told you, things changed today and Calum –”

“- was right about you,” Ash cut in but his voice was a lot softer now. Luke looked up and his home was in sight, perhaps several hundred metres further down the road.

Luke made a small confused noise and Ash elaborated, a certain bashfulness colouring his words.

“You’re an amazing person, Luke,” Ash said despite Luke never doing _anything_ to show him that. At least, that was how _he_ felt. “You’re _incredible_ and you’re – in my opinion, _too_ much so – _forgiving_ , and even after all of the shit you’ve suffered through, you’re still…”

Ash choked on the word ‘ _pure_ ’ and, when the silence continued to stretch on, he expanded, kindly choosing to ignore the faint teary sniffs he could hear resonating through the phone.

“You’re still _you_ , Luke,” Ash said at last, and Luke needed to be held then, _wished_ for it even. “You’re still you,” Ash repeated. “And that’s all anyone can ever ask of you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys liked this! I promise the story will pick up more soon!  
> And please keep leaving kudos/comments as it means so much! :)


	21. Full Force

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Beneath the thin sleeves of his sweatshirt, the bandages were hidden and they were a constant reminder of the sorry state of Luke’s life. He still couldn’t believe that he had let things get so _bad_._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys like this! I doubt I'll have time to write _too_ many updates today as I have a very busy day, but enjoy this one! :)

Slowly, things started to improve, although Luke was still wary of this and approached every day as carefully as if he had been walking on ice. The tension was apparent in his rigid posture and in the dark circles beneath his eyes, and his lips were pressed together tightly as he went about his day at school.

Beneath the thin sleeves of his sweatshirt, the bandages were hidden and they were a constant reminder of the sorry state of Luke’s life. He still couldn’t believe that he had let things get so _bad_.

He knew that having Ash around more helped. With the boy’s sunny smile and truly _excellent_ taste in music, it was difficult _not_ to smile at him, especially when he shot a dimpled smile at Luke with full force, the effects so dazzling that the blond felt dazed for several moments afterwards.

If Luke ever started to feel like shit at school, he would simply send Ash a text; sometimes a long ranting message about life in general, and sometimes simply a sad face made up of a colon and an open bracket. 

Luke looked at the two symbols now in the moments before he hit send, feeling clingy and irritating but still _needing_ it, still _craving_ the assurances and funny little anecdotes that Ash would send with so many smiley faced emoticons that it couldn’t _not_ cheer Luke up. 

He smiled softly as a grinning emoticon and a thumbs up symbol were sent back, and he thought it was strange that they symbolised so much. 

‘ ** _did I ever tell you about that time when my sister threw my pineapple in the sea? A x_** ’ 

Luke snorted despite himself as the text message came back through and he hovered out of the way as he sent a quick reply. 

‘ ** _WTF ASHTON?! Why did you take a pineapple to the beach?! X_** ’ 

Luke was still smiling stupidly when he walked into English.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this pretty quickly but I really want to write the next chapter (or get it out of the way, I should say, since I'm scared of it) so hopefully you guys enjoyed this!  
> Please let me know via comments and kudos! Thank you and stay tuned! :)


	22. Into His Bones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Halfway through the last chapter of ‘Of Mice and Men’, Luke felt someone watching him and his eyes flickered up warily to scan the room. The hairs on his arms rose when he saw the piercing green gaze of Michael Clifford locked on his face._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Mikey :( <3

Halfway through the last chapter of ‘Of Mice and Men’, Luke felt someone watching him and his eyes flickered up warily to scan the room. The hairs on his arms rose when he saw the piercing green gaze of Michael Clifford locked on his face.

Luke swallowed visibly, suddenly fighting to contain his panic when Michael’s eyes drifted down to where Luke’s sleeve had slipped, revealing the bandages. 

Luke knew the moment his face went white because he suddenly felt _cold_ , like melted ice was dripping down his skin and seeping into his bones. 

The blond boy rose sharply, his book falling through numb fingers, and the screech his chair made against the linoleum sounded _deafening_ in the otherwise silent classroom. 

“Mr Hemmings?” his English teacher asked with mild alarm because Luke was clutching his chest now as his breath came in gasps, half doubled over as his panic rose inside him. “Do you need some air?” 

‘ _Of course I fucking do_!’ Luke thought frantically as the room began to spin. ‘ _ **Get out**. You need to get out now. **Get out**. Get out. Get out get out get out get out **get out**_!’ 

Luke staggered for the classroom door and his teacher – who still seemed thoroughly confused by the uncharacteristic outburst – watched as Luke half-fell into the corridor with wide eyes, and his gaze flickered to Michael who had half-risen with equally atypical concern. 

“Please go and check on him, Mr Clifford. In fact, take his things and escort him to the school nurse. I think it would be unwise to bring him back into the classroom after… _that_.” 

“Are you sure that’s a good idea, sir? I could –”

“Silence, Mr Hood! Back to your book! Mr Clifford, go.” 

Luke heard that from where he had collapsed on the ground outside, slumped against the wall, and his eyes widened in _horror_ as the purple-haired boy emerged somewhat awkwardly from the classroom, Luke’s tattered old backpack dangling from one shoulder. 

“I’ve got your stuff,” Michael said awkwardly once he had pulled the classroom door shut and stood in front of it so that no gawping students could witness Luke having some kind of breakdown in the English corridor. “Um… h-here you go.” 

Michael held it out awkwardly and, despite himself, Luke flinched back, drawing his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around himself and burying his face in the crook of his elbow. His ‘ _please fuck off_ ’ came out muffled and Michael set the backpack hesitantly on the floor. 

“I’m supposed to take you to the school nurse,” he said then and, at the mention of nurse, Luke looked up sharply. His head cracked against the wall behind him but he was panicking too much to care. “Hemmings, I – _Luke_ ,” Michael corrected himself uncomfortably, and he crouched down hesitantly a few feet away. “Luke, you’re hurting yourself. Stop it.”

Luke’s answering laugh was breathless and more than a little hysterical. 

“ _W-what would y-you k-know_?!” he spat and Michael’s eyes fell once more to the bandages that were now clearly visible. Luke’s stomach flipped and he suddenly clamped his hand over his mouth, the nausea churning in him as he ran for the closest bathroom. 

Michael watched him go with dull eyes full of self-loathing and, when Luke eventually emerged from the bathroom some twenty minutes later, coated in a thin sheen of sweat and very much needing to lie down, he found his backpack sitting on the floor outside with a small piece of paper folded upon it. 

‘ ** _I’m so sorry_** ’ Michael’s messy script said. 

‘ _Too little,_ ’ Luke thought even as the painful knot in his chest began to sends spasms of pain shooting through him once more. ‘ _Much too late._ ’ 

Luke began to sob then but it didn’t matter. 

He was alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kind of feel really bad for this update but it was necessary and I have lots of plans for the future!  
> Also more Calum and Ashton is a must!  
> Stay tuned and please remember to leave comments/kudos! :)  
> Thank you!


	23. Iron-Tight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Luke thought maybe it was fate that brought him crashing into the one person he wanted to see most, although he’d never believed in a higher power like that before._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Lukey :( And Ash!  
> God these guys are killing me :'(  
> But still, enjoy!

Luke had never truanted in his life but he did then, completely unable to even _comprehend_ the fact that returning to his classes might be a possibility.

The sun was shining brightly in the sky and Luke had to squint when he emerged, blinking at the sudden onslaught of light, onto the busy street. Cars were zooming past and there was the low rumble of cyclists and vehicles, and the general ruckus caused by hundreds of people going about their daily business.

Luke thought maybe it was fate that brought him crashing into the one person he wanted to see most, although he’d never believed in a higher power like that before.

But, regardless of that, the tears streaming down Luke’s pale cheeks slowly began to lessen when the warm, familiar, well-muscled arms of Ashton Irwin wrapped around his waist tightly, his smaller body somehow managing to curl round him protectively as Luke fought for breath.

Ash’s hazel eyes were wide with shock when Luke pulled back a fraction to look at him, and the blond noticed with a pang of guilt that Ash’s shopping bag had spilt its contents all over the pavement. Ash didn’t seem to care less in that moment.

“Lukey?” he asked softly, suddenly seeming to notice the harsh sunlight and staring pedestrians as he spoke. “Come on. Let’s get out of here.”

He bent down briefly to gather his shopping before his arm slid around Luke’s waist once more and he led him away, past a row of shops and into a wide, shady alleyway that offered Luke a brief reprieve from _life_.

“What happened?” Ash whispered, setting his bag down on the ground and crouching down in front of Luke, since the blond boy had half-collapsed onto a low wall. Ash gently thumbed away the tears still rolling down Luke’s cheeks and his eyes were pained as he took in the drawn, almost _resigned_ expression on Luke’s face.

“You haven’t been sleeping,” Ash pointed out and Luke’s hand came up slowly to touch the back of Ash’s neck. The older boy gave him a brief, considering glance then but didn’t pull away, instead leaning back into the touch a little. Luke smiled the softest, tiniest smile and blinked back tears as he gently wound his fingers into Ash’s honey-coloured curls.

“You always make me feel better,” Luke breathed, leaning forwards and resting his head on Ash’s shoulder so that his face was burrowing into the older boy’s neck. Ash blinked and, after a moment, he wrapped his arms around Luke’s shoulders gently, and they sat like that for a long time, just breathing.

“This is all going to get better, you know,” Ash said suddenly and Luke made a small, curious noise but didn’t look up. “Maybe not _soon_ , but it _will_ get better.” Ash stroked Luke’s back in slow, wide circles. “When you’re ready, we can go back to that coffee place and you can tell me why you’re skiving from school, okay?”

“You don’t need to know what happened,” Luke mumbled, hurriedly explaining himself when Ash’s expression abruptly became hurt. “I whine to you s-so much already and you b-barely get the c-chance to even _s-say_ anything.”

“If there was anything troubling me that was more important, I’d tell you,” Ash promised roughly and there was something in his voice that made Luke look up with concern, his own tumultuous emotions quietening for a moment as he watched the older boy.

“ _You’re_ more important,” Luke whispered and Ash’s hazel eyes were bright with unshed tears.

“Shut up, Luke,” he whispered, his fingers brushing Luke’s cheeks with a touch as light as a feather, as soft as a butterfly's wings. “You don’t know what you’re saying.”

Luke’s blue eyes were blazing when he saw the self-worthlessness mirrored in Ash’s own.

“I do,” Luke vowed and his grip on Ash’s shoulders was iron-tight but _not tight enough_. “I really, _really_ do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHY CAN'T THEY BOTH SEE HOW BEAUTIFUL THEY ARE OH MY GOD WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF I'M SO EMO ABOUT THIS FUCK *feels*  
> But still, are you guys enjoying this? I really hope so!  
> Please remember to leave comments and kudos! Thank you!


	24. Like The Sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“Don’t be embarrassed,” Ash said and his tone was barely teasing. “You’re already brilliant. You start acting any _better_ , you’re going to put everyone else to shame.”_'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, not going to lie, I was beaming when I wrote this. Some much needed relief I think! :D

“Do you mind if we go back to mine?” Luke asked softly as the pair left the alley and walked close together, their arms brushing as they carefully crossed the road. “I want to drop my school bag off and then maybe just chill in my room for a bit. You wanna come?”

Luke spoke the last part timidly but the tight muscles in his shoulders relaxed when Ash smiled warmly at him. 

“Just let me get my car,” he grinned and, ten minutes later, they were driving through Sydney with the windows rolled down and Fall Out Boy blaring on the radio while Ash’s shopping rolled around loosely on the backseat, much to his chagrin – and Luke distractedly hoped that there was nothing perishable in there because the sun was _painfully_ bright today, and something like milk wouldn’t last long in this weather – before his thoughts were distracted by the song playing.

“Ah,” Ash said with a contented smile as Luke timidly turned up the volume. “I swear to god, ‘ _Sugar, We’re Goin’ Down_ ’ is the best. I _swear_ it.”

Luke raised his eyebrows and tried not to smirk too much. “Vehement,” he commented and Ash shot him a sly smile. 

“You know it, Lukey.” 

His words didn’t really make a great deal of sense and their whole _conversation_ was spontaneous at best but that didn’t in any way lessen the happiness flooding Luke’s heart, washing away the last vestiges of panic and fear. 

Ash glanced over at Luke and caught his eye, his smile soft and full of _something_ that Luke couldn’t explain, and the younger boy found himself talking without meaning to. 

“You make me want to be a better person.” 

Ash stopped singing along then but he didn’t look shocked. On the contrary, he was smiling a gentle, secret smile and looking pleased about something. 

“God, that was embarrassing. I don’t know why I said that,” Luke muttered and Ash’s smile was momentarily blinding, and bright like the sun. 

“Don’t be embarrassed,” Ash said and his tone was barely teasing. “You’re already brilliant. You start acting any _better_ , you’re going to put everyone else to shame.” 

Luke didn’t know what to say to that so he settled for blushing unattractively – Ash thought he looked pretty – and mumbling something incomprehensible as he rested his cheek on the window again. Ash smiled for what felt like the millionth time and patted Luke’s leg gently before he focused on driving again, and Luke closed his eyes as his smile lit his face like a beacon. 

He would never get enough of Ash. 

Never.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you guys like this?  
> God, these two idiots really need to proclaim their undying love or something. (Wait, what? Who said that?) :P  
> Remember, please let me know what you thought by leaving comments and kudos! Thank you and keep reading! :D


	25. Hit The Nail On The Head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“Why do you think you’re so worthless, Ash?” Luke asked quietly. “I mean… You’re the best, brightest person I know and you’re… you’re just _incredible_ and you don’t even _realise_ it?”_  
>  _"Hypocrite," Ash whispered._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God these two give me FAR too many feels! I'm not alone, right? :P  
> Enjoy! :)

By four o’clock, the boys had eaten their fill of chocolate and had retreated upstairs through the empty house to Luke’s bedroom. The blinds covering Luke’s window sent shafts of sunlight and shadow alternating on the floor, and the room was surprisingly cool for the end of summer.

‘ _If there was anything troubling me that was more important, I’d tell you_ ,’ Ash had said.

Luke felt his expression twist with something like pain and, from his place sitting cross-legged on the floor, Ash looked up with concern. “What’s up, Lukey? Can I do anything to help?”

“N-no,” Luke stammered and, a little hurt, Ash drew back hesitantly. Luke shook his head quickly. “It’s nothing like _that_ ,” he said quickly, although he didn’t know what ‘ _that_ ’ might be. “It’s just… You said something earlier. Something sad…” Luke broached the subject hesitantly, keeping his eyes fixed on the wooden panelling covering his bedroom floor as he fiddled with the hem of his t-shirt.

“What?” Ash asked, a little breathlessly as he looked up at him. Luke patted the space beside him on the bed hesitantly and Ash hopped up, his expression cautious and worried. “Luke, if I said something to upset you, please know that I’d _never_ hurt you on purpose. Just tell me what I did so I _never_ do it again and –”

“Ash,” Luke said quickly and the older boy pressed his lips together in a thin line, watching Luke anxiously from beneath his eyelashes. Luke bit his lip and looked up quickly, his wide, cornflower blue eyes earnest.

“Why do you think you’re so worthless, Ash?” Luke asked quietly. “I mean… You’re the best, brightest person I know and you’re… you’re just _incredible_ and you don’t even _realise_ it?”

Ash gave Luke a wry, surprisingly tearful smile as he took Luke’s hand gently and turned it over, his fingers tracing the bandages covering the blond’s wrists so lightly that neither really felt it. Luke’s heart jolted in his chest with an emotion he couldn’t explain, and Luke fought to catch his breath.

“Hypocrite,” Ash whispered and Luke sniffed, unimpressed with Ash’s attempt to change the subject, even if it maybe possibly _was_ true (‘ _But probably wasn’t_ ’, Luke concluded).

Luke gave Ash a gentle shake that sent an unexpected tear sliding down one tanned cheek and, frowning slightly, the younger boy brushed it away with his thumb, his movements mirroring Ash’s from earlier that day.

“I’m serious, Ashton,” Luke said, and he hadn’t used Ash’s full name for such a long time (at least that was what it _felt_ like) that the older boy blinked in surprise, his eyes clearing a little. “Why?” Luke’s expression suddenly hardened as he remembered something else Ash had said a while ago.

“Uh…” Luke felt awkward but he was _determined_ to get to the bottom of this so that he could show Ash how much he cared about him. “I… Now, I might be wrong – I probably _am_ to be honest – but… Ash, is… is this about your dad leaving you?”

He knew that he had hit the nail on the head straightaway because Ashton sucked in a shocked breath and went white, his grip on Luke’s navy blue duvet tightening further, until the material was fisted tightly in his hands, like he needed an anchor, something to hold onto.

Luke took his large hands gently instead and held them in his own smaller pair, his gaze soft as it lingered on Ash. He couldn’t _stand_ to see the boy so upset but he knew that he needed to do this.

He wasn’t sure _how_ he knew. He just did.

Ash started to cry then and he looked like he wanted to cover his face with his hands but Luke wasn’t ready to let go yet.

A broken sob forced its way painfully out of Ash and he leant forwards so that his forehead was resting on Luke’s shoulder. His honey-coloured curls hid his face from view and Luke squeezed his hands comfortingly as he rested his cheek lightly against Ash’s hair.

“You don’t _have_ to talk,” Luke promised, his voice so quiet that Ash had to strain to hear it. “But I think it might help you if you _do_.”

Ash was quiet for the longest time, his breathing ragged and panicky, and Luke simply held him through it, breathing slow and deep for Ash to copy as the older boy fought for control.

Finally… _finally_ he spoke.

“Why would he leave me if I was worth staying for?”

Luke released Ash’s hands and gently tapped his chin, getting him to lift his head up.

Ash looked up at him with wide, hazel eyes and Luke could feel an unfamiliar pain in his chest as he pulled Ash into a tight hug, breathing in the familiar, comforting scent of him. ‘ _No one was allowed to upset Ashton. **No one**!_ ’

“He doesn’t know what he’s missing,” Luke said in a fierce little voice and Ash only held him tighter. “He doesn’t know how kind and lovely and _brave_ you are! He doesn’t know how much shit you’ve had to deal with and how you _came out the other side_ without letting it ruin you! He must have been fucking _crazy_ to let you go, Ash, and – if you don’t get bored of me – I would _never_ make that same, _stupid_ mistake.”

Ash’s tears had long since dried up but he was also sitting frozen, and Luke didn’t know what to do so he simply ended his rant with one last sentence.

“You’re the most wonderful person I’ve ever met, Ash, and, one day, I’m going to _show_ you that I’m telling the truth.”

Ash looked up shyly then and his eyelashes were spiky with tears as his hazel eyes glistened wetly.

“Not if I show you first,” he said and Luke laughed with relief, pulling Ash up into a proper hug.

“You got anywhere to be tonight?” Luke asked hesitantly and Ash smiled faintly, shaking his head.

“No?” he said and it sounded like a question.

“You maybe want to stay over? Get pizza and watch a film or something?”

Ash laughed with surprised relief.

“I can’t believe you’re not sick of me yet,” he muttered, his expression vaguely awestruck, and Luke shook his head, his smile playing faintly across his lips.

“I was going to say the same thing to you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This update gave me a great amount of feels and the next one is going to be even MORE angsty!  
> You have been warned....  
> And please remember to leave comments/kudos! Thank you! :)


	26. A Darker Shade Of Crimson

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“How bad is it?” Luke whispered in a frightened little voice, not wanting to see and yet unable to _bear_ not knowing. _
> 
> _Ash gazed at the livid red lines crisscrossing the pale, already-scarred skin of Luke’s wrist for a long time before – so, _so_ gently – he covered the cuts with his palm._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, trigger warning for blood and more in-depth mentions of self-harm, although not necessarily any worse than previous chapters.  
> Also, note: I found it difficult to keep this chapter completely Luke-centric so if I accidentally stumble into what Ashton is thinking too, I'm sorry but not really as it furthers the plot.  
> Also, another note: Is it bothering anyone that I'm writing "Ash" instead of "Ashton"? It's just that I'm finding it kind of difficult is all.  
> Anyway, enjoy! :)

“I’ve never had a sleepover before,” Luke admitted and then he frowned. “Uh… that sounded a bit girly, didn’t it?”

Ash laughed despite the pang he felt in his chest at Luke’s words. “Nothing wrong with girly,” he said lightly and Luke relaxed. “At least you didn’t say ‘ _slumber party_ ’,” he added and Luke laughed, rolling over so that one of his arms could dangle over the side of his bed, his fingertips just barely brushing Ash’s curls from where he lay on the mattress on the floor.

“Do you have a marker pen?” Ash asked suddenly and, frowning, Luke rolled over further to look down at him.

“Yeah, sure,” he said, still puzzled. “Top drawer of my desk. Right-hand side.”

Ash hummed softly to himself as he searched carefully through the drawer, finally retrieving a green marker pen and smiling proudly at the achievement.

“What are you doing, Ash?” Luke murmured and there was a tired smile on his face. “It’s _late_ and it’s a school night. Maybe we should get some sleep?” Luke was grinning though and his admonishment went largely ignored.

“I just wanted –” Ash paused to remove the cap of the pen and rummage around for his phone. “– to do something –” He turned the light on his phone on and used it as a torch. “– to make you feel better.”

Luke watched Ash with mild bemusement as the older boy gave him a large smile, his dimples on full display. Luke's stomach gave little excited flips.

“Can you hold the light steady please?” Ash asked earnestly, passing Luke the mobile phone like it was his prized possession. “Yeah, and angle it like – Yes, like that. Thank you. Now keep it steady! I’m like an artist or something.”

Luke smiled timidly but in truth he was confused. Ash had asked him to shine light on his _bandages_ of all places and – now that Luke thought about it – there was little to _no_ point in Ash wasting his time drawing goodness knows _what_ on them when Luke wanted to take them off anyway.

“Ash, wait,” Luke said quickly, setting the mobile down and resting his now-free hand on Ash’s broad shoulder. “I want to take them off. _All_ of the bandages. The ones of my legs and stomach too. I’m _sick_ of them and I don’t think they’re doing anything much now.”

Ash blinked up at him owlishly, the pen lid held between his teeth as he sat poised with the green marker in his hand. Luke smiled despite himself but he gently removed his hand from Ash’s grip and reached over to turn the lamp on.

The room was bathed in a warm orangey glow then, and Ash looked up at Luke from his nest among the rumpled duvet and numerous pillows that Luke had sourced, his eyes tired but curious as he sat there. Luke passed him his phone back carefully before he tried – and failed, much to his annoyance – to remove the bandages encircling his wrist.

“ _Damn. Things. Are. Stuck._ ”

Luke spoke through gritted teeth and it was only when Ashton helped him remove the safety pin that the bandages unfurled slowly before they twisted down to the floor, the movement serpentine and silent.

“How bad is it?” Luke whispered in a frightened little voice, not wanting to see and yet unable to _bear_ not knowing.

Ash gazed at the livid red lines crisscrossing the pale, already-scarred skin of Luke’s wrist for a long time before – so, _so_ gently – he covered the cuts with his palm. They felt cool which was good and they were clearly no longer bleeding so Ash guessed his idea was safe enough.

Luke simply watched him in confused, forcibly-detached silence before he felt the first gentle touch of the ink on his skin, and he closed his eyes and turned his head to face the wall.

Ash sang softly as he worked – Luke couldn’t work out what the drawing was just by touch but he was loathe to look down, lest he see the disfiguring scars he had carved into his own skin – and it took Luke a little while to identify the song as ‘Damned If I Do Ya (Damned If I Don’t)’ by All Time Low.

“ _I’ve fought it for a long time now, While driving in a river of denial_ ,” Ash sang, keeping his voice quiet so that he wouldn’t wake up Luke’s dad or brothers. His mum still hadn’t come home. Luke closed his eyes at that thought and chose to focus instead on Ash’s voice. “ _I washed up, fixed up, picked up, All my broken things_.”

Luke propped himself up on his elbow, resting his chin in his hand so that he could watch Ash work. It was endearing to watch. His tongue was poking out from between his lips and Luke briefly entertained the thought of taking it into his mouth before he remembered that Ash could do _so_ much better than him.

“ _’Cause you left me, police scenes, chalk line, Tequila shots in the dark scene of the crime_ ,” Ash continued. “ _Suburban living with a feeling that I’m giving up, Everything for you_.” Ash sat back with a triumphant smile then and released Luke’s arm, securing the pen lid and putting it back in the desk drawer as Luke stared at his wrist in stunned silence.

The quiet stretched on for so long that Ash slumped a little, his expression flooded with an anger directed inwards. “ _Knew it was stupid_ ,” he muttered but, before he could continue, Luke interrupted him with two dazed words, saturated with so much affection that it sent Ash’s heart thundering in the confines of his chest.

“A butterfly.”

Ash blushed then and hurried to explain himself. “Because they’re like… uh… kind of… kind of fragile and… Um…” Ash faltered then and flushed a darker shade of crimson. “And _they’re_ beautiful too.”

Luke really wanted to kiss Ash then but he managed to resist as he stared down at the cuts on his arm and the green butterfly decorating the pale skin there.

“One day maybe you’ll let me do the same for you,” Luke said almost without meaning to and Ash looked up sharply, the alarm evident on his face. Luke immediately kicked himself.

“How did you know?!” Ash gasped, thrusting both bracelet-covered wrists under the borrowed duvet and hunching up small, his face rapidly paling again. “Did you see? Did I – Luke, _tell_ me! If you’ve seen, my mum might have! Hell, _Lauren_ might have! Or – god – what if _Harry_ saw?! What if he thinks it’s okay?! Luke, what do I do?! Why did you have to see?”

Ash looked like he was just seconds away from crying and, as his breathing sped up and it looked like Ash was going to have a full-blown panic attack, Luke did the only thing he could think of.

He kissed him.

Or, more _accurately_ , he pressed a soft kiss to each of the numerous scars littering the insides of Ash’s wrists.

The sob that left Ash then was almost _inhuman_ in its devastation and Luke gently removed the bracelets. There were so many of them, whether they were wristbands or leather cord, but all of them were hiding sore, scarred skin.

Luke continued to press soft, chaste kisses to the torn skin and, when he tasted the faintest metallic hint of blood on his tongue, his heart ached because some of these cuts were _fresh_ and that meant that Ash needed his help, his care… his _love_ even.

And Luke was determined to give it all.

For Ashton, he would give anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this chapter was okay. I'm kind of nervous you guys aren't going to like it!  
> Anyway, please let me know what you thought. Thank you and please keep reading, and remember to leave comments and kudos. :)


	27. Numb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Luke laughed disbelievingly. “You’re still playing ‘ _The Grouch_?’ That seems like _years_ ago!” He gave Ash a funny look then and suddenly became aware of _just_ how close their faces were. Luke was almost one hundred percent certain that Ash’s gaze flickered down to his lips and Luke’s tongue darted out almost unconsciously, wetting them as Ash swallowed reflexively._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm aware that the length of the chapters I've been writing has been really (probably annoyingly) varied so I'm going to try to get them a little shorter again, since that was what i was intending in the first place.  
> Anyway, hope you enjoy this update! :)

Luke felt sick on the bus the next morning as he contemplated seeing Michael but, before he had the opportunity to get too anxious, Ash nudged his knee against Luke’s thigh – since the blond boy’s denim-clad legs were a lot longer – and gave Luke a small smile as he passed him one of his earphones.

“ _I was a young boy that had big plans. Now I’m just another shitty old man. I don’t have fun and I hate everything. The world owes me, so fuck you!_ ”

Luke laughed disbelievingly. “You’re still playing ‘ _The Grouch_?’ That seems like _years_ ago!” He gave Ash a funny look then and suddenly became aware of _just_ how close their faces were. Luke was almost one hundred percent certain that Ash’s gaze flickered down to his lips and Luke’s tongue darted out almost unconsciously, wetting them as Ash swallowed reflexively.

The bus turned a corner sharply then and the moment was broken.

“I’ve only known you for a few weeks,” Ash breathed then, although maybe it was more to himself because he didn’t look up at Luke when he spoke.

“It feels like a lot longer,” Luke said carefully, his body language clearly displaying his discomfort. The bus passed a familiar shop then and Luke hit the bell as Ash moved out of the way. Luke remained standing and holding onto the bar while he waited for the bus to stop near his school.

“Text you later?” Luke suggested and Ash nodded, smiling as he sat back down in the aisle seat again.

“For sure,” he said, before quickly continuing. “And I swear I won’t sob this time either. I swear all we do is cry over each other,” Ash joked then and a giggle escaped Luke of its own accord.

“What can I say?” Luke teased as the bus began to slow down. “We have a unique relationship.”

Ash almost _cackled_ then and Luke spoke without meaning to, his heart once again betraying him even as his brain _screamed_ that it was a bad idea.

“You don’t know how beautiful you are.”

Ash stared at him for a long, long time.

“Neither do you,” he said at last.

Luke got off the bus on numb legs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was that okay? I really hope you guys enjoyed it and I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank you all for reading!  
> Anyway, please continue to leave comments and kudos as it really does mean the world, and stay tuned for the next update!  
> Michael will play a much bigger part (although not in the way you might think) and Calum can stop feeling so conflicted...  
> Poor Ash and Luke though. They really need to make their minds up, right? :P


	28. Made Him Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Michael was hurrying towards Luke, weaving through the crowd of staring students as he hefted his backpack higher on his shoulder. Luke couldn’t exactly blame everyone for staring. Michael’s hair looked like a purple flame in the early morning sunlight and his face was set with determination as he strode over towards Luke who – _fuck_ – was fighting the urge to sprint away._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is like a part 1 kind of. I'll start writing the next half now - enjoy! :)

Luke froze when he walked through the school gates a few minutes later, his heart already beginning to race as his hands clenched into fists.

“Hemm– _Luke_!”

Michael was hurrying towards Luke, weaving through the crowd of staring students as he hefted his backpack higher on his shoulder. Luke couldn’t exactly blame everyone for staring. Michael’s hair looked like a purple flame in the early morning sunlight and his face was set with determination as he strode over towards Luke who – _fuck_ – was fighting the urge to sprint away.

“Don’t run off,” Michael cautioned, like he was talking to a frightened animal, and then, awkwardly, he grabbed Luke’s wrist – which hurt a _lot_ , okay? – and hauled him into the building. Luke glared at the back of Michael’s stupid purple head to keep his panic contained but it was threatening to bubble over inside him.

‘ _Shit, this is it_ ,’ Luke thought, perhaps stupidly, as Michael looked around for somewhere empty. Luke gulped. ‘ _This is the end_.’

Michael suddenly made a small: “ _Aha_!” noise that sounded out of place coming from his mouth and should _definitely_ not have sounded so sinister, and then Luke found himself being pushed bodily into the caretaker’s cupboard and rapidly being plunged into darkness as Michael pulled the door shut.

Luke _really_ started to panic then, clutching his chest and struggling to take deep breaths because _Michael Fucking Clifford had locked him in a cupboard_!

“You _need_ to calm down, bro.”

Michael’s voice came from very close nearby and Luke flinched away and sat down heavily on what _might_ have been an upturned bucket.

“Not your ‘ _bro_ ’,” Luke muttered bitterly before he glared in the direction he _thought_ Michael was. “Can’t you turn the bloody light on?”

“Scared of the dark?” Michael taunted like he couldn’t _quite_ help himself, and then he sighed softly and his phone illuminated the tiny, cramped cupboard with an eerie blue light.

“Luke…” Michael sighed again and then he sat down with surprising grace on the floor of the cupboard and crossed his legs, no longer standing in the doorway and preventing Luke from leaving.

The blond boy looked at the door now and Michael tensed, watching even as he pretended to examine the floor beside him.

‘ _I could go,_ ’ Luke thought with mild surprise. ‘ _I could leave right now and I don’t think he’d stop me._ ’

Despite this, something made him stay.

“Luke,” Michael repeated and he spoke through gritted teeth, his voice rough like he was trying to chew concrete, his face twisted like the words physically _pained_ him to say aloud. “I’ve behaved like a dick,” Michael said and Luke did his best startled goldfish expression. “And for that… well, I’m sorry.”

The pair were silent for the longest moment until Luke finally stopped gaping and Michael looked down uncomfortably, running his hand through his hair and fiddling with one of his shoelaces with such an easy movement of his fingers that Luke wondered if he played the guitar too.

“What the actual _fuck_ , Clifford?” Luke asked because he was _damned_ if he was going to start calling the giant purple-haired arsehole _Michael_. “What’s brought on _this_ sudden change of heart?”

Michael worried his bottom lip between his teeth, his expression pained but also resigned, like he knew it was exactly what he deserved.

“Cal talked some sense into me,” Michael said sheepishly and Luke had to rack his brains for a moment before he remembered Calum.

Luke folded his arms tightly across his chest to hide the shaking of his hands and tried his hardest to order his thoughts.

“Uh… t-that… that still doesn’t explain why you called me… _that_.”

It was Michael’s turn to wince then and he recoiled like Luke had slapped him.

“You m-mean why I called you…”

Luke watched him silently, _determined_ not to let Michael off lightly. He had behaved disgustingly for _years_ and Luke wasn’t going to be forgetting that any time soon.

“Please don’t make me say it,” Michael breathed and Luke simply continued to stare at him, tapping his foot as his expression became rapidly unimpressed. He breathed evenly, more calm – at least outwardly – than he had felt in a while and, by comparison, Michael fell apart a little.

What he said next made no sense to Luke whatsoever.

“Because I was fucking _terrified_ is why!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed this! Oh Mikey :/  
> Also, as I said, I'm starting to write the next half right after this but it won't be as long I don't think.  
> Please remember to leave comments and kudos, and tell me your theories! What do you think Michael's going to say? :D


	29. Dare To Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Michael was standing in the corner behind the hoover looking defensive, and Luke was simply staring at him wordlessly as his brain tried to add one and one, and came up with about four hundred and seven._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tommoirwin is cheering so hard right now I swear :')
> 
> Anyway, part 2 is up!  
> Enjoy, my lovelies!

The atmosphere in the cupboard was… _tense_ to say the least.

Michael was standing in the corner behind the hoover looking defensive, and Luke was simply staring at him wordlessly as his brain tried to add one and one, and came up with about four hundred and seven.

“I… don’t understand.”

Michael looked like he was actually trying to pull his own hair out and, despite his better judgement, Luke found himself standing and pulling Michael’s hands lightly out of his purple hair.

“Now _you_ need to calm down,” Luke said, his voice a little sharp, and Michael took a surprisingly shaky breath and collapsed onto the makeshift-bucket-stool that Luke had just vacated.

“I don’t get it,” Luke repeated. “That _still_ doesn’t explain why you’d call me –” Luke’s voice trailed away then and Michael looked abruptly terrified as he stared up with wide eyes. “Michael,” Luke said slowly and the word tasted strange on his tongue. “Are… Do you think you might be gay?”

Michael honest to god _whimpered_ then and, if you’d told Luke ten minutes ago that he would end up hugging a sobbing Michael Clifford in a fucking _cupboard_ , he would have said you were crazy.

Luke made soft shushing noises that somehow managed to come out sounding bemused, and Michael’s cheeks flamed with embarrassment even as the tears continued to spill down his cheeks.

Luke let him cry for a good thirty seconds before he pulled back slightly.

“What the fuck is going on?” he asked cautiously, his voice a lot softer now, and Michael refused to meet his gaze.

“In my family…” he began slowly. “It… it’s not good if you… um… aren’t _straight_.”

Luke sat down heavily on what felt like a hoover then because he knew what _that_ was like. His mum had never cared a great deal either way, his brothers were surprisingly cool with it, but Luke knew the same couldn’t – or _wouldn’t_ , since he had always been too afraid to admit it – be said for his father.

“I… I understand,” Luke said at last and Michael’s expression betrayed the fact that he could hardly dare to hope. “That does not in _any_ way excuse what you’ve done to me but… I think I understand.”

“I was trying to make a point,” Michael told him and his voice was barely above a whisper. “Wanted to prove that I… that I wasn’t a _fa_ –”

“Don’t,” Luke said coldly and Michael choked on the rest of the word. “Now tell me the rest.”

When Michael looked up sharply, Luke knew he was right.

“You don’t expect me to believe that’s _it_ , do you?” Luke asked in a much softer voice and Michael’s shoulders slumped even as his expression became resigned. “There _is_ a boy… isn’t there, Michael?”

His purple hair seemed to wilt before Luke’s eyes and the phone light dimmed as it began to go into standby mode.

“You’re r-right,” Michael whispered and his voice broke as the light dimmed further. “And… And it is _really_ hard to accept w-when…”

“When you’ve been raised like you have,” Luke said in a tone that was a little _too_ understanding. “Michael, who is it?”

There was a sharp intake of breath and the phone light finally went out, plunging the room into darkness.

Michael spoke brokenly next and Luke’s heart raced in his chest.

“I’m in love with Calum.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you guys liked this update! I just don't want it to be OOC but like... I don't know...  
> Please let me know what you thought by leaving comments and kudos!  
> Thank you! :)  
> And what will Calum say? O_o


	30. A Life Of Crime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Luke and Michael both froze then, and Luke wondered if he was imagining the betrayal in Calum’s eyes because he could _see_ how this must have looked._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh god I was smiling far too much writing this because I'm a BLOODY SADIST but you all seem to be enjoying it so far (thank you so much!!!) so please keep reading! :)  
> Enjoy! :)

When Michael finally remembered how to breathe again, Luke patted his shoulder awkwardly and released them from the cupboard. The bell had already rang about twenty minutes ago but Michael didn’t look ready to go to a lesson yet so Luke had kind of resigned himself to a life of crime now.

He’d already missed like _four_ lessons in two days by this point, so surely that was the only option left open to him. 

‘ _Ash wouldn’t let that happen_ ,’ a little voice in Luke’s head piped up suddenly and a small smile played across Luke’s lips as Michael straightened up, sniffed hard and immediately began to fix his hair using his phone as a mirror. 

Luke snorted derisively and was just wondering what he should do for the next hour and ten minutes – ‘ _Text Ash_!’ the little voice said excitedly – when Calum Hood came charging around the corner and faltered at the end of the corridor, gaping at them both wordlessly. 

Luke and Michael both froze then, and Luke wondered if he was imagining the betrayal in Calum’s eyes because he could _see_ how this must have looked, as unlikely as it clearly was. 

Because Luke and Michael were still breathing heavily and their cheeks were red from the hot, stuffy cupboard, and the lack of tension between both of them was clearly evident as Calum’s shoulders seemed to slump a little. 

“You two didn’t kill each other then,” he said and there was something sharp but hurt in his voice as he spoke then, like broken glass. Michael winced and Luke looked from the purple-haired boy to Calum, assessing the situation. 

“I think you need to tell him, Michael,” Luke said at last, his voice slow and careful, and he didn’t miss the way Calum mouthed: ‘ _Michael_?!’ in disbelief. The look Luke gave Calum then was sympathetic. “I think you two have a lot to talk about,” Luke said after a moment, and both boys looked at him warily. “But maybe _not_ in the cupboard. There’s not much air in there.” 

Luke made himself scarce then and, if he heard hissed arguing followed by a stunned silence, and happened to glance back around the corner just in time to see a teary-eyed Calum surge forwards and press his mouth to a stunned Michael’s, no one else had to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~~Luke, stop perving on Mikey and Cal. You'll creep them out.~~  
>  God I love all of these dorks so much, I swear to god.  
> Anywaaaay, I hope you all liked this!  
> They'll be more Ashton soon and an awkward scene where all four of them meet.... You'll look forward to that, right? :P  
> Also, please remember to leave comments and kudos! Thank you! :)


	31. Third-Wheel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Michael and Calum entered the cafeteria perhaps ten minutes later, the lips so obviously swollen that, even if they hadn’t been hesitantly holding hands, everyone would have guessed._ ’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a lot of fun writing this update and I really hope you guys like it!  
> Enjoy!

When Luke texted Ash at lunch time to let him know what had happened, he got a: ‘ ** _HAHAHAHA I still don’t like him. A x_** ’ in response, which – while making Luke _smile_ – wasn’t exactly useful.

Luke sat texting Ash and reading random penguin facts on his phone – he didn’t know _why_ he loved the animals so much, he just kind of did – while he ate his chicken sandwich, but he couldn’t quite stop his mind from wandering towards: ‘ _What happens now?_ ’

Because Michael – and, by default, Calum – had either hated or ignored Luke for the entire time they had known him, and realising that _they didn’t hate him anymore_ was beyond insane.

Luke found he didn’t have to wait for very long.

Michael and Calum entered the cafeteria perhaps ten minutes later, the lips so obviously swollen that, even if they _hadn’t_ been hesitantly holding hands, everyone would have guessed. Luke blinked in surprise at the fact that Michael was suddenly comfortable enough to do that in front of people, especially after the way he had treated Luke.

‘ _God, what did Calum_ do _to him_?!’ Luke wondered, entertaining several thoughts briefly before he shuddered and decided he simply didn’t want to know.

“We’ve been thinking,” Michael began as the two sat down uninvited at Luke’s depressingly empty table – “I’ll _bet_ you two have,” Luke muttered stupidly – “First, that doesn’t make any sense,” Michael continued, rolling his eyes. “Secondly, we’ve been _thinking_ – well, Cal has more than me – that like… we should all go out somewhere… get an ice cream or a milkshake or something… and talk about what happened and stuff. For _closure_ , he said.”

Luke raised his eyebrows sceptically but he had to admit that it wasn’t a bad idea, despite the fact that he _really_ didn’t want to third-wheel on what would essentially end up as a date between two love-struck teenagers.

“You can bring a friend,” Calum interjected hurriedly and Luke raised his eyebrow again, as though to say ‘ _That’s big of you_.’ His other eyebrow rose when he realised he was kind of being _sassy_.

‘ _Jeez, I spend twenty minutes in a cupboard with Michael and already he’s rubbed off on me_.’

Luke realised there was a _terrible_ double-meaning to those words and choked on his sandwich, and Calum and Michael gave him a doubtful look.

“Weirdo,” Michael said slowly, throwing a vague, half-hearted punch at Luke's shoulder. “Maybe drink something? You know, so you don’t _die_?”

“This is _so_ weird,” Luke managed to gasp out breathlessly once he had graciously accepted the bottle of water Calum had thrust at him.

“What is?” Calum asked concernedly. “Don’t you like strawberry-flavoured water?”

“What? I mean, no but – thanks anyway. No, I meant Michael not being a giant _dick_? I feel a bit out of my depth, if I’m being honest with myself.”

Michael caught Luke’s eyes for a moment and he looked utterly lost.

“Believe me,” the purple-haired boy said. “I _know_ the feeling.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you guys like it!  
> I am posting an author's note next so stay tuned for that, and please remember to leave comments and kudos as it means the absolute world! :)  
> I hope you guys continue to enjoy this :)


	32. Lost All Common Sense

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _"You're more than welcome to drop me off somewhere and leave."_  
>  _Ash fell silent then and, hesitantly, he reached out and gave Luke's hand a gentle squeeze before holding the steering wheel securely once more._  
>  _"I didn't say that."_ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! I just hope this chapter isn't a disappointment or whatever! There are plenty more on the way!  
> Enjoy!

"I only said yes because Michael looked so desperate," Luke said in as placating a tone as he could manage as he sat stiffly in the passenger seat of Ash's car.

The older boy's expression was set with grim displeasure and Luke didn't realise he needed to see Ash's smile so much until it was absent.

"This is your decision and I respect that, Luke," Ash said coolly as he stopped at the traffic lights. "I just hope you haven't forgotten how poorly Clifford treated you. I know _I_ certainly haven't."

"Please just call him Michael," Luke pleaded then, his cheeks flushing. "It's going to be awkward enough with him and Calum as it is and... Look, I asked you to come with me for support but if you don't want to be here - and I think it's pretty clear that you wish you weren't - then you're more than welcome to drop me off somewhere and leave."

Ash fell silent then and, hesitantly, he reached out and gave Luke's hand a gentle squeeze before holding the steering wheel securely once more.

"I didn't say that."

Luke's heart fluttered then and he knew it was stupid but, where Ash was concerned, he often lost all common sense.

His sunny smiles did that to a person.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you guys enjoyed this! Was it okay?  
> I've got like 5 or so more updates for you! :D  
> Stay tuned :)


	33. Stretch Of The Imagination

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _"Um..." Calum's face suddenly lit up as a conversation starter occurred to him._
> 
>  _"So..." he repeated, smiling animatedly although the grin looked slightly forced. "How long have you two been together?"_ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy :)

The ice cream parlour was a pleasant enough place, despite the tense atmosphere that descended the moment that Ash and Michael sat at the same table. Luke shot a grim look at the pair of them but kept his mouth shut, and Calum seemed to decide it would be a better use of his time if he simply focused on eating his sundae.

"So..." Calum began awkwardly once the silence became too much, and Ash shifted closer to Luke, throwing a protective arm around his shoulders. Luke positively melted into it, too comforted and safe to feel very surprised. They hugged often enough after all, just not so publicly usually.

"So," Ash said coolly, fixing Michael with a very harsh stare.

"Uh..." Calum's cheeks flushed scarlet and he seemed to discard his plan of talking things through with them when Michael shot him an awkward, anguished look that seemed to cry: ' _please do something!_ ''

"I - uh -" Calum continued to stammer and Luke felt bad. He glanced over at Ash and although the older boy seemed to mirror Luke's feelings, there was also a hint of stony determination colouring his expression. Luke knew then that Ash would do nothing to help either boy out.

"Um..." Calum's face suddenly lit up as a conversation starter occurred to him.

"So..." he repeated, smiling animatedly although the grin looked slightly forced. "How long have you two been together?"

There was a moment of absolute silence, broken only be the chink of Ash's spoon as it fell into his glass and Luke's choked gasp as he inhaled some of his cookie dough ice cream. Calum and Michael exchanged cautious looks, seemingly realising that Calum had said the wrong thing.

"Oh no," Ash disagreed just as Luke breathlessly said: "We're not going out."

Calum looked mortified then and Luke's face tightened with something that was almost pain as Ash's arm fell from around his shoulders. Michael watched the pair carefully and, under his scrutiny, Luke blushed furiously.

" _God_ , no," Ash said, laughing uncomfortably, his cheeks flaming, and Luke's heart plummeted like a stone. ' _He doesn't like me_ ,' a tiny voice in Luke's head murmured. ' _He'll never like me_.'

Despite himself, Michael's emerald eyes gleamed with something that was almost a mixture of worry and poorly-disguised mirth.

" _Smooth_ , Cal, smooth."

Calum apologised profusely after that and things slowly returned to normal, although another layer of tension remained. Ash was - if possible - even nastier but, when he realised that Michael was just taking it, and Calum seemed genuinely upset, he calmed down a little and, even as the negative emotions in Luke's chest battled for dominance, the younger boy couldn't help being pleased with Ash for that.

Afterwards, the four boys actually managed to discuss why they had decided to meet and - among the dirty looks Ash shot at an awkward Michael, and the sympathetic gaze that Calum levelled at a humiliated Luke - the group slowly began to heal.

They weren't _friends_ by any stretch of the imagination but there was a small chance that maybe - _one day_ \- they might all be able to get along.

Perhaps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you guys like this? Please leave comments and kudos to let me know! I hope it was worth the wait!


	34. Preconceived Ideas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _It didn't take a genius to figure out why Luke's look of pain increased tenfold when his eyes drifted over unconsciously towards Ash._
> 
>  _"When are you going to tell Irwin you're in love with him?" Michael asked, and Luke rose sharply and half-ran to the bathroom._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooohhhh things are happening.....

Calum and Ash were up at the counter buying another round - _is_ it called a 'round' if it's ice cream? Luke wasn't sure - and Michael was uneasily attempting to explain the finer points of a video game he had bought a few weeks previously.

Michael's voice trailed away when he saw how preoccupied Luke looked.

"What's up, Luke?" he asked without a trace of hostility. Luke regarded him with wide eyes for a moment, still unused to being treated like a _human_ by the purple-haired boy.

It took Luke a few seconds longer to realise that Michael had asked him a question but, when he considered the answer, his cheeks flushed a dull scarlet and his blue eyes involuntarily flickered over to Ash.

Michael chewed his lip, his brows lowering over his green eyes, as he anticipated Luke's next question which inevitably came a short while later:

"How did you know you liked Calum, Michael?"

Despite himself, Michael replied: "Liked him? I've always liked him. He's been my best friend all my life."

Luke released a frustrated sigh.

"I meant _like_ like, you dick," Luke grumbled and Michael grinned then because, somehow, Luke saw through his bullshit better than anyone else could, even _Calum_ \- and wasn't _that_ a weird thought?

"Be serious, Michael," Luke added and there was a faint note of his desperation in his voice that hadn't been there before. The purple-haired boy's expression softened slightly then.

"I'm not sure," he said honestly and Luke sighed. Michael quickly elaborated. "I mean... I just... It's like, you know, when you're strangely attracted to someone and you're just like ' _no I can't like you but I do like you oh my fucking god_ ' and it's kind of terrible but also... I guess... a bit _incredible_ ? Because that one person can make you rethink every single one of your stupid preconceived ideas? It's like, they can change your entire outlook on life and you don't even realise because they're so amazing and you're trying to ignore it but it's always... _there_. Always. And maybe you don't realise it at first... or maybe you try to ignore it or you don't want it to be there. But it is. It's always been there. And after a while... I think maybe you stop caring... and then maybe you start loving them instead." Michael suddenly went red. "Or... uh..." He cleared his throat, blushing further. "Or s-something..."

Michael broke off with an odd choked sound and looked surprised when he saw the tears shining in Luke's eyes.

It didn't take a genius to figure out why Luke's look of pain increased tenfold when his eyes drifted over unconsciously towards Ash.

"When are you going to tell Irwin you're in love with him?" Michael asked, and Luke rose sharply and half-ran to the bathroom.

Ash appeared looking angry and worried then but, when he demanded that Michael tell him what was wrong with the youngest boy, the purple-haired teenager just looked strangely sad.

"I think that's a conversation you need to have with Luke."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like you guys are going to really (hopefully) enjoy the next few chapters...  
> They're.... long awaited, I think you might say :P


	35. Not Going To Leave You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _"I'm not going to leave you, Luke," Ash breathed and the wind was trying to steal Ash's voice but, somehow, Luke heard him. "Not now. Not ever. Not if you don't want me to."_ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kind of cooed quite a lot writing this chapter... :D  
> Enjoy hopefully!

"Lukey? What's wrong? What upset you?"

Ash's voice was concerned and Luke winced, still trying to catch his breath after his run from the ice cream parlour. He'd managed to suppress his panic attack in the bathroom of the tiny eatery but soon the cramped, mint-tiled room had become too claustrophobic. Luke had escaped its confines and opted for the vast, numbing mindlessness of the sea instead.

"I just..." Luke tried to lie but his heart was breaking and he couldn't do it anymore. He hadn't realised how much he needed Ash before but, as soon as the words had left Michael's _stupid_ , cherry-coloured mouth, Luke's world had crumbled around him.

"I can't _d-do_ this anymore, Ash," Luke said and he tried to sound strong but his voice had a childish fear in it, like he was asking a parent if there were any monsters underneath his bed.

But Luke's parents weren't really there anymore and it had taken him a long time to realise that the monsters were all human instead.

" _W-what_ can't you do?" Ash asked and Luke wondered if he was imaging the shakiness in the older boy's words.

"I can't k-keep pretending," Luke said and, if possible, his voice sounded even _smaller_ now.

Ash's heart was racing in his chest as he stared at Luke's anguished face and, slowly, he reached out, his large fingers gently weaving through Luke's windswept blond hair.

"What are you d-doing?" Luke stammered and Ash stepped closer hesitantly, a strange fire burning in his eyes as his hand slid down to touch Luke's cheek like it had before, his calloused fingertips tracing Luke's jawline, testing the boundaries as they slipped up... closer to his _lips_.

Luke did nothing as he stood there, frozen as Ash continued to hold his gaze, his piercing blue eyes transfixed by Ash's hazel pair.

"You don't know how beautiful you are," Ash whispered, repeating Luke's words from before.

The blond boy felt a pang in his chest and everything seemed to go silent as the universe condensed into: ' ** _AshtonAshtonAshtonAshtonAshton_** '.

"I..." Luke was still dizzy from his earlier almost-panic attack and he didn't know what to do but a tiny part of Luke's brain decided that now would be a good time to speak up.

"T-this... this _can't_ just be a o-one time t-thing, Ash," the little voice in Luke's head whispered and the words forced themselves out of Luke's mouth. He realised he had dropped his gaze and had to fight to meet Ash's eyes again. "I c-can't cope w-with s-someone else l-leaving m-me. Not again."

"Do I look like the type of guy who'd have one night stands?" Ash asked then and his hazel eyes were hurt. Luke's heart clenched at the sight and he drew in a shuddering gasp as he whispered: "N-no... b-but -"

Ash's hand shot out shakily - seemingly of its own accord - and gripped Luke's shoulder. The younger boy leant into it with a soft, broken sigh.

"I'm not going to leave you, Luke," Ash breathed and the wind was trying to steal Ash's voice but, somehow, Luke heard him. "Not now. Not ever. Not if you don't want me to."

Luke's brain seemed to have switched off but his heart gladly took up the reins.

"I don't ever want you to leave me," Luke promised.

Ash surged forwards and kissed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ASDFGHJKL
> 
> I'm updating the next chapter now because I'm not _totally_ evil, I promise...


	36. Dancing Smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _"God, you're incredible," Ash breathed out between kisses and Luke's broken sob was almost disbelieving._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I sincerely hope I've done this justice...  
> Slow burn fics are daunting like that...  
> I listened to "Kiss Me Kiss Me" while writing this too... Maybe you should try it :P

Luke's brain shut down for a good thirty seconds then and he had to wrap his arms around Ash's neck to hold himself up when his legs went weak. His blue eyes caught a glimpse of smudged green ink on the inside of his wrist and then a soft groan escaped him and he closed his eyes and melted into it.

As it turned out, Ash kissed like he laughed... Like he _loved_.

He kissed with a vigorous intensity; with an astounding warmth that finally thawed out the entirety of Luke's heart; with so much pure unadulterated _love_ that Luke's heart thrummed with it... positively _sang_ with it.

"God, you're incredible," Ash breathed out between kisses and Luke's broken sob was almost disbelieving. A delirious smile played across Ash's lips as Luke licked hesitantly into his mouth and then Ash's big hands were knotted gently into Luke's flyaway blond hair as the wind tousled Ash's curls, and Luke could feel his smile through the kiss before it danced across his own face too.

"You're not so bad yourself," Luke promised when he pulled back for breath, and Luke could see the overwhelming affection blazing in Ash's hazel eyes, so pure it almost hurt to look at, but Luke would gladly go blind if it meant he could gaze at Ash for one more moment.

"Kiss me," Luke whispered then and Ash's lips crashing against his once more tasted like a prayer.

Gulls screamed in the air as they wheeled over the sea, and it was only when they heard Michael and Calum's faint cheering in the distance - and the sea came in and thoroughly soaked their shoes - that Luke realised he was kissing Ash in the place where they'd first met.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I... don't know what to say.  
> Leave comments/kudos please?  
> *hides*


	37. Poker Face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Luke reflected on that as they drove along and it occurred to him that Ash had set out to strip him of his emotionless facade from the word 'go'._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These two kill me! I love them too much!!!!  
> Please enjoy this! Hopefully it's not too bad :)

Ash's chocolate-scented car had never smelt so good.

There was a soppy grin stretching from ear to ear across Luke's face and his smile was proving to be contagious because Ash was looking equally doting as he drove Luke home.

Luke looked up at one point and caught Ash glancing at him as he drove, and Luke's resulting giggle and flutter of golden eyelashes was unintentionally beautiful, as Ash has been saying all along.

"You're so cute," Ash told him as he turned the radio up.

The familiar song began to play and Luke's smirk felt almost second nature when he identified the music.

"You love ' _Sugar, We're Goin' Down_ ' far too much, Ash," Luke chastised in a mumble but he found he didn't care very much really. It was an admittedly awesome song and if it made Ash happy, Luke was _so_ down.

"It's like our song or something," Ash gushed before he abruptly looked embarrassed. "Sorry," he laughed and Luke positively _beamed_ at him. The sight of it seemed to take Ash's breath away.

"See?!" he argued jokingly as he continued on down the road. "You _are_ cute! Some might even go as far as to say you're adorable!"

Luke blushed prettily then - Ash smirked but there was a touch of fondness to it - and tried to look argumentative, despite still smiling like he was drunk with happiness.

"I'm not cute _or_ adorable, okay? I'm punk rock, you giant hooligan! One day you'll realise that!"

There was a moment of absolute silence, interrupted only by Fall Out Boy blaring in the background.

Ash started laughing then and Luke managed to retain his serious expression before a particularly adorable giggle from Ash utterly _destroyed_ his poker face.

Luke reflected on that as they drove along and it occurred to him that Ash had set out to strip him of his emotionless facade from the word 'go'.

Luke leant over and riskily, nervously pressed a soft, chaste kiss to Ash's cheek. The older boy blushed and beamed, and Luke's own cheeks heated as he gave Ash's shoulder a firm squeeze before settling back into his seat again as the song came to an end.

Luke knew that couldn't be said for _them_ though.

 _Their_ song was just beginning.

And Luke had _never_ been more grateful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you guys like that? I really hope it was okay!  
> That's the last of the updates I've written while I was away so it'll be back to the normal schedule now :)  
> Please leave comments and kudos to let me know what you thought, and again: thank you all so much for reading! :) <3


	38. Falling, Falling, Falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _The smile slipped from Luke's face like feet on icy ground, and suddenly he could _feel_ himself falling, falling, falling - and not even Ash's beautiful smile could save Luke from the darkness unfurling in his heart._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't like writing this chapter but it's necessary for the next few.  
> Please don't hate me!

Luke woke up with a small smile already etched onto his lips, and the look of surprise on his face was priceless when he sat up in bed and saw it reflected back at him in the mirror hanging on his wardrobe door.

The blond boy's smile only widened when he opened his good morning text from Ash, and the butterflies fluttering in his stomach were unbearable in the best kind of way.

' ** _morning lukey :) hope you slept well - mind if I pop over later? miss you already :P A x_** '

Luke was still smiling fondly when he tapped out a reply. His blond hair was hanging limply across his forehead and there were bags under his eyes but the blue was _sparkling_ and there was a soppy grin on his face.

' ** _Hey ash. Sure thing - come whenever :) you miss me already? (That's good because I miss you too). Luke x_ '**

Luke positively _skipped_ downstairs for breakfast, calling out such cheery 'good mornings' to his brothers - his father was out somewhere - that they seemed concerned for his general mental well being (' _Several years too late_ ,' a little voice muttered bitterly), and he was still grinning when his mobile vibrated to signify a new text message.

**' _ **Hi Luke. I have something 2 tell u but 1st I would like to say sorry for not being here. This isn't easy for me 2 say but I think u will understand. I have bn living at mum's for quite a while now and I have met some1 else. I told ur dad last night but he didn't reply. Has he said anything? Anyway, I texted as I am not planning on moving back 2 Sydney. However once u have finished ur schooling I thought u might consider moving out 2 b w/me & David. Plz consider it. I know it's lots 2 think about and sorry to do it via text but thought it might b easier. Love you Luke. Mum xx**_'**

The smile slipped from Luke's face like feet on icy ground, and suddenly he could _feel_ himself falling, falling, falling - and not even Ash's beautiful smile could save Luke from the darkness unfurling in his heart.

He read the text again for no real reason other than the tightening in his chest was returning, and then the bottom of Luke's stomach fell away and he lurched towards the bathroom.

Luke didn't leave the tiny room until he heard his brothers leave the house and Ash's car pulled up in the driveway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really mean it when I say I hated writing this. I feel like it might be a little OOC what with Luke's mum behaving like this but it IS an AU and this is necessary to further the plot and spur Luke into doing.... things... _important_ things.  
>  Anyway, please let me know what you thought by leaving comments and kudos, and I promise the tone of the story will pick up more soon!  
> Thank you for reading and please stay tuned! :D


	39. First Glance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _When Ash looked _again_ , he saw the fractures in Luke's weak grin and his heart began to race in his chest. The younger boy was wearing the sort of smile that someone might wear when their heart was breaking but they were trying to hide it. He looked like he'd been crying._'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things will pick up again soon, I promise...  
> Also sorry for the change of POV but it was kind of necessary.  
> Enjoy!

Ash rang the doorbell but it was several long minutes before the door was pulled open. Luke was leaning against the doorframe and picking at some of the peeling white paint there distractedly as he shot Ash his usual faint smile. To put it shortly, at first glance, everything seemed fine.

That was at first glance.

When Ash looked _again_ , he saw the fractures in Luke's weak grin and his heart began to race in his chest. The younger boy was wearing the sort of smile that someone might wear when their heart was breaking but they were trying to hide it. He looked like he'd been crying.

Ash saw the poorly disguised pain buried in Luke's beautiful blue eyes and he had to swallow past the lump in his throat. Wordlessly, he drew the blond boy forwards into his arms.

Luke resisted half-heartedly at first and stood there rigidly but, after a few moments, he seemed to almost _melt_ into the smaller boy's embrace. His arms wound loosely around Ash's neck and he turned his head to press his face into the familiar, comforting smell that clung to Ash.

The older boy very much wanted to ask what was wrong with Luke but he knew from experience that he wouldn't talk until he was ready.

Fortunately for Ash, on this occasion, it didn't seem to take very long at all.

"Mum's met someone else," Luke murmured after a short while, his voice so soft that Ash barely caught it. "And she's not coming back, Ash. Not ever."

"Oh, Lukey -" Ash whispered but, before he could say anything else, Luke interrupted him again, his tone uncharacteristically cold and derisive.

"And that's not even the worst bit," he muttered bitterly, and Ash waited with bated breath, his heart clenching with pain a little when Luke pulled away from him unwillingly.

"What is it?" Ash asked, hardly daring to breathe.

Luke's eyes were welling with tears when he looked down at Ash then.

"She wants me to move away with her."

Ash felt as though the ground had been ripped out from beneath his feet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope these updates are okay! I'm trying so hard and I have ideas for the rest of the story! I think you guys are going to like them :) fingers crossed!  
> And I'm sorry the update was later today! I'm afraid the updates may be later tomorrow too as I have an unfortunately busy day work then too but I WILL update! I promise!  
> Please leave comments and kudos to let me know what you thought! Thanks again for reading and stay tuned! :)


	40. You Are My Favourite Place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“P-please… ” Ash croaked and the shame on his face hurt to look at. Luke gazed lovingly at him anyway. “S-stay.”_ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What can I say? I was listening to "Disconnected" last night :)  
> I just love these two so much. I don't even know... <3

Luke didn’t know what to do.

He knew he probably could have broken the news to Ash more _gently_ but for the older boy to react like this… For him to _literally_ sink down onto the dirty ground and stare up at Luke like his whole _world_ was ending seemed… extreme.

“Ash, are… Are you okay?” Luke asked, too frightened to be frantic. “ _A-Ashton_?”

The blond boy sat down gracelessly beside Ash and watched him fearfully. The older boy had tears streaming silently down his tanned cheeks and he was pulling at handfuls of his hair as hard as he could. His breath was coming in panting gasps and Luke had had panic attacks enough himself to recognise when someone else was suffering one.

“Can I… Do you want me to leave you alone or…?”

Luke might like to be alone when he was panicking but he knew a lot of people preferred company and – _god_ , Luke felt out of his depth here.

“ _P-please…_ ” Ash croaked and the shame on his face hurt to look at. Luke gazed lovingly at him anyway. “ _S-stay_.”

Luke skirted closer immediately and hesitantly wrapped his arms around Ash’s smaller, shaking form. The shorter boy immediately clung to Luke like a frightened child and the steadying hand Luke gently pressed against Ash’s chest seemed to have the calming effect he had been hoping for.

Ash was so breathless that when he tried to speak again, no words came out. He looked up with hazel eyes so shiny with tears that Luke’s heart broke, and when he saw the word Ash mouthed at him, he had to fight back a sob.

“ _Stay_.”

Luke recalled Ash’s comforting words at the beach and he repeated them now, his tone honest and sincere, and so far from the cold harshness of earlier that it seemed a million years ago.

“I’m not going to leave you, Ash,” Luke promised, his lips brushing the top of Ash’s head faintly. The older boy released a broken sigh and leant back, resting his head on Luke’s narrow shoulder as he gazed up at the grey sky. “Not for my mother. Not for her stupid new _boyfriend_. Not for anyone. I don’t think I could live without you.”

Luke knew it wasn’t healthy, knew it might have been better to keep that last part a secret, but he found he couldn’t hold it in anymore. A phrase Luke was quite sure he had never heard before suddenly made itself apparent then and Luke sang softly, almost entirely without meaning to.

“ _You are my favourite place_ ,” he intoned quietly, and he leant closer and pressed a kiss to the tip of Ash’s nose. The older boy gave a small snort of surprise and then a tiny giggle, and Luke just held him and rocked him, content to sit on the ground with Ash cradled in his arms forever.

Because they _needed_ each other, damnit, and the day they parted ways was a day Luke didn’t want to live through - and honestly, the fact that he felt that way scared Luke more than he could say.

It was quiet for a long time before Ash pulled away slightly. Luke gave a little whine of protest and held him closer, and Ash smiled gently, his breathing finally steady enough to talk again.

“’ _You are my favourite place_ ’?” he repeated, his voice so soft and _loving_ that Luke didn’t have it in him to be embarrassed. “That sounds really cool. Like a line from a song or something. You should write that down.”

Luke snorted and hit Ash on the shoulder, but the curly-haired boy’s prompt smile was completely genuine.

“Thank you, Lukey,” he said frankly and the blond boy looked down at him with mild confusion.

“For what?” he asked, frowning. He had only comforted Ash while he was panicking after all. Any sort of _respectable_ human being would have behaved in the same way... right?

When Luke continued to watch the older boy confusedly, an emotion that Luke couldn't name began to fill Ash’s eyes, unidentifiable except for the fact that even the _sight_ of it sent butterflies fluttering once more in the blond boy's stomach.

“Thank you _for being you_ ,” Ash told Luke then, and he leant up to kiss him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you guys like this update!  
> Basically, I feel like there's going to be a _bit_ more angst in the next few chapters but, overall, our characters' lives are looking up.  
>  "Things can only get better!" - or something :P  
> Please let me know what you thought with comments and kudos! Thank you! :)


	41. Miss This Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _"I have friends now, mum," Luke said in a surprisingly cool voice. " _Good_ friends. Great, even. And..." His voice trailed away and Liz did nothing to fill the silence. Ash watched him with eyes as round as saucers. "And I have a _boyfriend_ now, mum, and... And I wouldn't leave him for anything._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I shouldn't have smiled writing this but I did... Wow, sadist much?

Once the boys were inside, they hovered in the hallway for a long time, both of them simply content to _look_ at their surroundings. Luke's eyes traced the scratched wooden panelling covering the floor and the red rug that was as threadbare as the curtains hanging over the windows.

Luke was thinking about the possibility that his mother wanted him to leave this place - leave Sydney, leave The Wastelands, leave _Ash_ \- and that he might not have a choice in the matter. One glance across at Ash showed that the older boy was thinking the same thing.

"I'm not leaving you," Luke reminded him, reaching out and giving Ash's shoulder a gentle squeeze. He was upset to find that the curly-haired boy was shaking. "Into the kitchen with you. Let me make you a hot chocolate or something. You want food?"

Ash smiled gently despite himself. "I could eat," he said with a faint grin. Luke smirked.

"Vegemite on toast?" he checked and, completely deadpan, Ash nodded solemnly.

"Come on then," Luke said, ushering Ash into the small, cramped kitchen and pushing him lightly into a chair at the table. "I'll put the toast on and -"

Luke's mobile rang then and he faltered, looking down at the caller ID flashing on the cracked screen and swallowing convulsively. He looked up at Ash with wide, wild eyes and hit: ' **Answer** '.

"Hey m-mum," Luke stammered and Ash's face abruptly lost any colour he had managed to regain. "How are y-you?"

Luke stroked one of Ash's curls away from his clammy forehead gently and, in an attempt to retain some small amount of normality, he crossed the room to fill the kettle up.

"- and, Luke, I was so worried about you!" his mother was hurriedly saying. "You didn't answer my text and I was worried you'd had another accident l-like... like before." His mother went quiet then and the blond boy sighed silently before he straightened his back, set his expression into one of firm determination and filled the kettle with water. "Luke, you're being very quiet."

"I'm just thinking, mum," Luke said slowly and, beside him, Ash reappeared and shakily retrieved some bread to put in the toaster after just a few moments of searching. Luke looked up with pleasant surprise but Ash's returning smile was just a touch too watery. Luke set the kettle to boil and squeezed Ash's hand gently before he concentrated on the phone call again.

"Thinking about what?" Luke's mum asked uncertainly. "Because, darling, I'm sure you'll like David. He's so _kind_ -" The ' _not at all like your father_ ' went unspoken. "He's wonderful and he lives so _near_ your grandparents. And they already knew him somehow and, once I'd had a chance to explain, they completely understood, Luke! And we were both thinking - well, _I_ was thinking - that perhaps you'd like to come out and live with us! I know Melbourne might _seem_ faraway now but you could always come back to visit and -"

"No," Luke said sharply and the kettle overturned, sending boiling water cascading everywhere. Ash hissed when some of it landed on his bare arms but he was staring with horror at Luke's rapidly-blistering hands. The blond boy didn't even seem to notice.

"W-what did you say?" Liz Hemmings asked weakly and Luke began to feel the pain in his hands. He gazed into Ash's frightened eyes as he held the phone more tightly.

"I said _no_ , mum," Luke repeated in a firm voice that made him sound much stronger than he felt. "I can't come and live with you. Believe me, I'm happy that you're happy but... I just _can't_. There's too much to leave behind in Sydney."

"But you never had any friends..." Luke's mother said feebly and, even though Luke _knew_ she hadn't meant it nastily, it still stung, perhaps even worse than his _hands_.

"I have friends now, mum," Luke said in a surprisingly cool voice. " _Good_ friends. Great, even. And..." His voice trailed away and Liz did nothing to fill the silence. Ash watched him with eyes as round as saucers. "And I have a _boyfriend_ now, mum, and... And I wouldn't leave him behind for anything."

The silence on the other end of the line was telling but Luke persevered, refusing to hang up and let Ash fuss over his burns until his mother had had her chance to comment.

"I..." She swallowed audibly and Ash gripped Luke's shoulder tightly, aware that the younger boy needed the contact right now. "I'm very happy for you, Luke, and... I won't say I _accept_ your decision to stay when this would be an amazing opportunity for you but... but I _understand_."

The silence returned again but it was less strained this time and Luke was finally able to relax back into Ash's warm grip.

"Mum, can you ring back later?" Luke asked softly. "The phone ringing made me jump and I kind of burnt my hand so I should probably go and sort that out..." It wasn't _exactly_ a lie but Luke didn't feel guilty.

"Oh, of course!" Liz said then. "Make sure you run some cool water and -"

"It'll be alright, mum," Luke promised and he released a pained hiss when the agony in his hands seemed to multiply tenfold. "Ash'll look after me."

Luke murmured a quick goodbye and hung up before Liz could ask who Ash was and, the very moment he ended the call, Luke crumpled a little, cradling his hands to his chest as a choked sob escaped him.

"Shit," Ash gasped, for once not caring about swearing. "Crap, Lukey, c'mon, mate. That looks like it hurts pretty bad." Luke's sarcastic ' _do you think_?' look made Ash's cheeks flush red and, despite the pain, Luke immediately felt bad. "I don't know what to do but... I... I think I'll take you to the hospital, just to be on the safe side."

"Spent far too long in that bloody place," Luke muttered but he didn't resist when Ash carefully helped him up with an arm wrapped gently around his waist. "Grab the toast," Luke murmured as they made their way slowly across the kitchen. "We'll have to give the Vegemite a miss this time," the blond boy said apologetically and Ash couldn't quite find it in himself to laugh.

"You've been so brave," the older boy promised and the tears that began to slide down Luke's pale cheeks then were not just fuelled with pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A cute cuddly penguin makes an appearance next time. Just saying.  
> Anyways, hope you enjoyed this! Please leave comments and kudos to let me know what you thought!  
> As always, thank you!


	42. Déjà Vu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _"Shhh, Lukey. I'm older than you. That means I'm right."_
> 
> _"You're not _that_ much older than me," Luke mumbled grumpily and Ash smiled despite his obvious concern._
> 
>  _"Sit quietly like a good boy now and I'll buy you a cuddly toy when we're done," Ash joked._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you guys like this!  
> I tried to make it cute because I felt bad... again...  
> Enjoy!

Luke had barely managed to heave himself up into the front seat of the car when Ash had suddenly shouted something about water, snatched up Luke's door key and had hurtled back into the house, returning a few minutes later when Luke was trying not to cry again with a soaking wet tea towel, a bottle of water and some painkillers, what _appeared_ to be a roll of cling film, and an incredibly frantic look in his hazel eyes.

Luke tried to stifle his sobs as Ash gently covered the scalds with the wet tea towel but he still managed to giggle weakly when he saw Ash clutch the cling film with a slightly crazed look in his beautiful eyes.

"What were you going to do with that?" Luke tried to joke but his voice came out strained as Ash cursed uncharacteristically once more and threw the cling film onto the backseat.

"I don't know," he mumbled as he thrust the water bottle and painkillers in Luke's general direction before he started the battered old car, taking the now-familiar route to the hospital. "They use it in films I think."

"Cling film?" Luke asked sceptically as he closed his eyes and rested his head against the back of the seat. "Are you _sure_?"

"Shhh, Lukey. I'm older than you. That means I'm right."

"You're not _that_ much older than me," Luke mumbled grumpily and Ash smiled despite his obvious concern.

"Sit quietly like a good boy now and I'll buy you a cuddly toy when we're done," Ash joked and Luke actually looked over at him with interest.

"Make it a penguin and you have a deal," the blond boy said and Ash smiled slightly.

"A penguin it is then," he amended quietly and Luke's answering smile was blinding, if extremely pained.

"You're going to be alright, Lukey," Ash promised then and, even if Luke _wasn't_ at risk of dying this time, the déjà vu was astounding.

"I know I will," Luke said softly. "I'm with you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you guys think?  
> Please let me know via comments and kudos! And what should Luke name his penguin? :)  
> Also like... This probably sounds really needy or whatever and I promise I don't mean it to be but like... Are you guys still enjoying this fic? I just feel like maybe people are going off it a bit and I don't sent to keep uploading if people aren't that bothered or whatever... Thank you.


	43. All Because Of Ashton

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“How do you feel?” Ash asked gently and Luke got the feeling that the older boy meant _more_ than just his hands. _
> 
> _“I feel like we’re going to be okay,” he said softly and Ash’s answering smile was the most beautiful thing Luke had ever seen, all dimples and black-framed glasses sliding down his nose._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you guys like this update! It's a bit longer than some of them as I got carried away but it's kind of cute so hopefully you'll all like it :)  
> Enjoy!

In the end, Luke was only at the hospital for a few hours. His blistered hands were cleaned and covered with dressings, and the pain and stress of it all might have been too much if Ash hadn’t sat beside him with a comforting hand on his shoulder while the nurse worked away.

“I think you’re going to be fine,” the nurse said cheerfully after several long moments of careful contemplation, and Luke grinned at him as he settled back on the bed.

“Thank you,” he said gratefully and the dark-skinned man returned the smile.

“Just doing my job,” he said calmly. “There’s a few forms you’ll need to sign so I’ll just get those for you, and then the pair of you can be on your way. I’ll also give you a prescription for some stronger pain medication as the anesthetic won’t last forever.”

Ash nodded solemnly and the nurse departed, leaving the pair alone for the first time in hours.

“How do you feel?” Ash asked gently and Luke got the feeling that the older boy meant _more_ than just his hands.

“I feel like we’re going to be okay,” he said softly and Ash’s answering smile was the most beautiful thing Luke had ever seen, all dimples and black-framed glasses sliding down his nose.

“I’m just going to use the bathroom,” Ash said suddenly and Luke snorted at the sudden change of topic. “Won’t be long,” Ash said, pressing a fleeting kiss to Luke’s cheek before he vanished out of the room.

Luke settled back on the bed and stared at the mint green walls. He found it remarkable how _different_ being in the hospital felt this time around, and it was all because of Ashton.

The nurse returned then with the forms, leaving them with Luke and saying that he would be back to collect them soon.

In the end, however, Ash returned first.

“You didn’t go to the bathroom,” Luke said because Ash was smiling too weirdly and if he _had_ then Luke didn’t like to think what he’d been doing in there – actually, scratch that: Luke _really_ wanted to know what he’d been doing.

And now he was going to get hard on a hospital bed with bandaged hands which resulted roughly in  _no touching_. Luke glared up vaguely because fate was _cruel_ sometimes.

‘ _Great_ ,’ he thought bitterly and it was only when he decided to recall the phone conversation with his mother in extreme detail that he managed to reduce his… problem.

“You alright, Lukey?” Ash asked and Luke was _sure_ the bastard’s voice was _knowing_. “You look a little flushed.”

“I’m fine,” Luke said but it came out like a squeak because Ash unexpectedly hopped up onto the bed next to him. “What were you _really_ doing?” the blond boy asked in an effort to change the conversation because the nurse could walk back in any _second_ and Luke sure as hell didn’t want to have to explain that.

“You know what I mentioned earlier about a cuddly toy?” Ash asked sweetly and Luke immediately perked up, smiling hopefully at the curly-haired boy. Ash laughed. “I saw this in the shop on the way in.”

He passed a plastic bag to Luke, then cursed when he realised that the boy wouldn’t be able to open it and removed the covering for him. Luke beamed.

“A penguin!”

“Told you I’d get you one,” Ash said and it was clear that he was trying to be indifferent. Luke saw the secret smile curling his lips and the twinkle in his hazel eyes though, and he knew otherwise. “Hope you like it. Uh… you’ve gotta name it.”

“I have?” Luke asked, amused as he cuddled the stuffed toy carefully and tried not to look _too_ ecstatic. “Well, I can’t think of a name now and I don’t want to give it a random name like… like _Bert_ and then not be able to change it, you know?”

Ash smiled again and his eyes were so bright it was like staring into the sun, and Luke _never_ wanted to look away.

“I think Bert suits him actually,” Ash said sincerely and then he seemed to remember something because he blushed. “I… Earlier, Lukey, when you were on the phone…”

“Yeah?” Luke asked warily, immediately trying to remember everything that he’d said. Had he upset Ash in some way? God, Luke would never forgive himself if he had.

“You called me your… your _boyfriend_ ,” Ash murmured and Luke stiffened instinctively as his cheeks flushed.

‘ _Shit_.’

It took Luke a few moments to speak and, when he did, it was more rambling than anything else.

“I know and I’m sorry, Ash. That was… presumptuous. I… I didn’t want mum to take me away from you. I understand if you don’t want it too but – I mean it’s completely okay – I mean I –”

“I know what you meant,” Ash promised and he leant forwards until the tip of his nose was just barely brushing Luke’s. “And it just so happens that I want the same thing.”

“Are you sure? Because you don’t have to. I mean, I wouldn’t blame you,” Luke breathed, his vision blurry as he tried to focus on Ash properly which was _impossible_ because the curly-haired boy was moving closer _still_ and –

“When are you going to realise how brilliant you _are_?” Ash asked with so much fond exasperation that Luke’s heart swelled.

“The same time _you_ realise, I expect,” he murmured and then Ash’s lips were molding gently with his and no more words were needed…

At least until the nurse walked back into the room and Ash jumped so badly that he felt off the bed and sent Bert the penguin flying into the man.

Luke hadn’t laughed so much for a long time.

“Idiot,” he grinned and Ash’s answering smile was appropriately abashed as the grinning nurse helped him up.

“That’s what you like about me,” Ash countered and Luke’s smile was so soft it was almost like he’d forgotten the nurse was even still in the room.

“I like you for a whole lot more than that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How was it?  
> I really hope you guys like this chapter! I have lots of plans for the upcoming updates and only a _few_ of those involve angst which is good... the story is taking a turn for the better!  
>  Also, spoiler for you all: 5SOS is still going to be a thing in this world... Yep... :D  
> Please let me know what you thought with comments and kudos! Thank you! :)


	44. Life Itself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Sometimes things still got hard, like when Luke caught sight of his scars when he was washing or getting changed or whatever, but Ash was almost always present and he knew _exactly_ what he needed to say to make Luke feel better, and Luke knew just what to say back too._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If all goes to plan, this is the last angsty chapter!  
> Enjoy (I hope!) :)

The next few weeks passed in a blur of Ash, school, Michael and Calum, FIFA, Vegemite on toast with Ash, Bert the penguin, and more Ash.

Luke liked life at the moment.

His dad was still out almost every night doing goodness knew _what_ , and Luke’s brothers seemed content to spend every waking moment with their friends and girlfriends. Even Liz was leaving Luke alone although he knew she just wanted him to have some privacy. His bandages had been removed too so that was good.

It was also nice because Ash’s mother Anne didn’t complain about the amount of time Ash was spending with Luke. In fact, when Ash had brought the blond boy round just a few days before, she had seemed to really _like_ him. Even Ash’s younger siblings Lauren and Harry had thought Luke nice, and it was such an enormous weight lifted from Luke’s shoulders that he felt about ten stone lighter.

Sometimes things still got hard, like when Luke caught sight of his scars when he was washing or getting changed or whatever, but Ash was almost always present and he knew _exactly_ what he needed to say to make Luke feel better, and Luke knew just what to say back too.

Ash wasn’t with Luke now though.

Luke had told the older boy to practise playing FIFA in the younger boy's bedroom in his absence – “But, Lukey, it’s _boring_! I never win!” to which Luke had responded: “And you never will if you don’t practise!” – and he was standing in the shower now and it had all been going fine until he had caught sight of the crisscrossing scars on his wrists… his thighs… his stomach…

Luke bit his fist to keep silent as hot, angry tears boiled over and it was with a heavy weight pressing on his chest that Luke collapsed into the corner of the shower, burying his head in the crook of his elbow and staying there until the water began to run cold. And if Luke’s hand edged towards the razor that was lying innocently nearby, nobody else needed to know –

“Lukey?” Ash’s voice was faint through the bathroom door but Luke still heard it. “Luke? Are you okay in there?”

Luke’s silence was answer enough and, abruptly terrified, Ash charged at the door… and it swung open.

“I thought it was locked,” he mumbled to no one in particular before his hazel eyes promptly locked onto Luke’s pale, scared face and the razor gripped so tightly in one hand that his knuckles were white.

Ash saw no blood.

“You need to get out,” Ash murmured because, even from where he was standing, he could feel the icy spray of the water. “C’mon, Lukey. Out you get. You’re gonna get sick.”

“Why d-do you p-put up w-with m-me?” Luke whispered and Ash fought to keep any traces of pain from his voice as he broke eye contact and looked away to remove Luke’s towel from the rack.

“Because I love you,” he risked and the sudden silence was so stifling that Ash wanted to run away and hide. He _didn’t_ though, because Luke needed him, and he could never do something as selfish as that.

“Ash –” Luke gasped and it sounded like a whimper. “Oh my god, Ash… I…”

“You need to get out of the shower,” Ash repeated quietly, fighting to keep the dismay from his face. If he had just messed everything up then he would _never_ forgive himself. “The water’s too cold. You’ll make yourself sick.”

Ash held the towel out in front of him and Luke climbed stiffly to his feet, shivering violently as the cold water beat against every inch of exposed skin. The blond boy’s hair was limp and wet across his forehead, and Luke brushed it out of his eyes impatiently so that he could look at Ash.

For the first time, he didn’t like what he saw there.

Ash’s expression was _cold_ and rapidly on the way to detached, and it reminded Luke painfully of the night when he had first woken up in the hospital after he had almost died.

“Ash,” Luke breathed but the older boy simply wrapped the towel around him, carefully removed the razor from Luke’s firm grip – he hadn’t even realised he was still _holding_ it and that scared him – and walked back into Luke’s bedroom.

Luke opened his mouth to call him back but nothing came out.

The younger boy stood frozen, dripping water all over the floor as he watched Ash’s retreating back. His mind was spinning and his thoughts were threatening to suffocate him but Luke ignored all of that as he remembered the most important thing he had ever heard.

‘ _Why do you put up with me_?’

‘ _ **Because I love you**_.’

The butterflies fluttering in Luke’s scarred stomach were overwhelming but there was no ice in his heart left to thaw anymore, and he thought that maybe that was the most unusual thing he had ever experienced. _No one_ could make him feel like Ash could…

No one.

“Ash, I need to tell you something!” Luke called and his voice came out several octaves higher than he had intended. “Ash, please!”

He heard the grunted: “ _What_?” but Luke didn’t let it get to him. He knew Ash was just as upset and as scared as he was, and he really _needed_ Luke right now.

And Luke had almost let him down.

Never again.

“Ash!” Luke called as he gripped his towel more tightly and hurried towards his bedroom, his feet leaving wet footprints on the floor behind him. “Ash, I –”

He faltered in the doorway because Ash was sitting curled up on the floor beside Luke’s bed with several red, sore-looking scratch marks on his wrist and the confiscated razor lying on the floor a few feet away, like the curly-haired boy had thrown it. Luke felt a pang in his chest and he crouched down cautiously beside the older boy, still carefully holding his towel up as, slowly, he reached out and took Ash’s wrist, raising it and dabbing it gently with the edge of his towel before he began to press light kisses to the bleeding scratches.

“W-what do y-you _w-want_?” Ash breathed, his voice more than a little heartbroken. Luke kissed his wrist more firmly and Ash closed his eyes as a tear rolled down his cheek.

“I came in to tell you I love you too but if you’re going to be funny about it, I can just as easily finish my shower and –”

Ash’s expression was mesmerised.

“ _What_ did you just say?” he gaped, staring at Luke like he had just revealed the secret to life itself.

“I said I _love_ you,” Luke said in a voice that was surprisingly steady. “Also… you saw me naked so that’s kind of awkward.”

Ash’s surprised giggle was the most wonderful sound Luke had ever heard.

“I wasn’t looking!” Ash protested as Luke snuggled up beside him, cocooned in his towel and Ash’s arms as the curly-haired boy pressed a gentle, relieved kiss to his forehead. When Luke raised an eyebrow, Ash smirked. “ _Much_ ,” he amended.

Luke didn’t have to look to know that Ash had his fingers crossed.

“Liar,” he said.

Ash distracted him with a kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was this okay? I feel like saying "the end is in sight" sounds too final because there are still a fair few planned updates I've got to write but it's meant so much that people have enjoyed the fic as much as they have!  
> I have some (hopefully pretty cute) ideas for the upcoming chapters and I hope you guys think I've done the characters justice.  
> Please remember to leave comments and kudos, and stay tuned! It means so much to me :)  
> Thank you!


	45. Favourite Haunt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _Calum looked so smitten it was actually adorable and, just by looking, Luke knew Michael felt the same._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like you've all been a little deprived of Malum so I thought I'd give you some now - also, no angst at all in this chapter?! Wow, crazy stuff :P

The ice cream parlour quickly became their very favourite haunt after that.

Luke was in most of his lessons with Calum so, after school, they would wait for Michael and then all three of them would walk there slowly, making sure to dawdle so that, by the time they reached their location, Ash would already be on his way from his job at the garage.

Sure, there was still a _little_ tension between Michael and Ash but even that was dissipating now, and Calum and Luke were rapidly on their way to becoming fast friends.

Luke found the dark-haired boy to be funny and loud, and he reminded Luke very much of a large, overgrown puppy that just wanted to love everyone. It was actually kind of endearing, and Luke could _feel_ the remaining animosity inside him bleeding out and leaving only acceptance behind.

Ash had just excused himself to go to the bathroom – Luke still avoided the little tiled room – and Michael and Calum were ‘ _being cute again_ ,’ as Ash had pointed out with such high dudgeon earlier when they had met outside the eatery that the accusation had fallen flat and everyone had started laughing.

Calum had just told Michael he loved him for perhaps the _tenth_ time that afternoon and the purple-haired boy was blushing furiously as he tried to look _anywhere_ but in Calum’s puppy-dog, chocolate brown eyes. Michael had a tiny little smile on his face and had clearly decided that the ground deserved to be looked at rather than his boyfriend as Michael played with the hem of his Nirvana t-shirt.

Calum looked so smitten it was actually adorable and, just by looking, Luke knew Michael felt the same.

Looking back now, he would never be more grateful that Michael had locked them in a cupboard, even if that _did_ sound more than a little bit weird out of context.

Michael giggled then and the kiss he bestowed upon Calum was fleeting but so full of love that it had Luke looking around for Ash, suddenly craving some affection for himself.

Admitting that he had fallen in love with Calum had _certainly_ caused Michael to mellow.

Luke thought that getting the pair of them to confess might just have been the best thing he ever did.

Ash emerged from the bathroom then, and his eyes were so warm and soft that Luke felt his pulse begin to race in his veins.

‘ _Okay_ ,’ Luke corrected himself with a slight smile as Ash dropped down gracefully into the chair beside the blond boy. ‘ _ **One** of the best things he’d ever done_.’

“I love you,” Luke whispered and Ash’s bright, sunny smile made everything else seem darker by comparison.

“I know,” he breathed, leaning forwards and kissing Luke chastely on the temple. “I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically, I just needed to write Malum. And there was happy, non-angsty Lashton! Are you guys proud of me? :P  
> Nah, I hope you enjoyed this update anyway! I have the last couple of chapters planned out and I'm so grateful for all of the support you guys have given me! It means the world!  
> Please leave comments and kudos to let me know what you think! :)  
> Thank you :)


	46. Loveable Idiots

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“Love you guys,” Luke mumbled, perhaps uncharacteristically. “Even is someone _does_ have their foot lodged in my sternum.” _
> 
>   _“I _thought_ you were going to say lodged in your –”_
> 
>   _“Okay!” Luke interrupted, his cheeks flaming. “Time for the grownups to talk now, Mikey.”_ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys really deserved some nice happy fluff so here you go!  
> There are only going to be a few more updates now if everything goes to plan so I hope you'll enjoy these! :)  
> Happy reading! :P

“You two are late!”

Mikey’s voice rang out across the silence of the beach and Cal’s accompanying laughter held a familiar tinge of exasperation.

“By like _two_ minutes, Mikey,” he muttered, rolling his dark eyes as Luke and Ash loped towards them across the sand. “You _need_ to chill.”

“Sorry we kept you lovebirds waiting,” Ash drawled when the pair finally reached Mikey and Cal, who were both sitting cuddled up on a blanket.

“Like _you_ two can talk,” Mikey muttered scathingly before a slight smile touched his lips. “What were you two doing that made you so _terribly_ late anyway? Jacking each other off in the car?”

Luke spluttered and aimed a half-hearted kick at what he _thought_ might have been Mikey’s leg, only to have Cal yelp in the semi-darkness and jab at Luke. Unfortunately, his swipe caught Ash in the knees and, with a squeak that Ash would later insist was _incredibly_ manly, the four ended up lying in a pile on the blanket, all of them struggling to catch their breath as they snorted with laughter.

“Love you guys,” Luke mumbled, perhaps uncharacteristically. “Even if someone _does_ have their foot lodged in my sternum.”

“I _thought_ you were going to say lodged in your –”

“Okay!” Luke interrupted, his cheeks flaming. “Time for the grownups to talk now, Mikey.”

“You’re younger than me,” Mikey pointed out grumpily and Luke gave the purple-haired boy his very best smirk.

“At least _I_ don’t have the mental age of a three year old chimp though,” Luke said easily, much to Ash’s delight and Mikey’s chagrin.

Cal’s grin was enormous.

“You might want to apply ice to that burn,” he snickered and Mikey glared balefully at him. Ash watched the confrontation unfold, an amused glint in his hazel eyes.

“Actually, ice can _exacerbate_ the burns," the youngest boy informed them calmly. "So it’s really better to use cool water and –”

“Because you’d know,” Mikey muttered and Luke tried to remain deadpan – he really did – but then Ash’s lip twitched and Cal let out a bark of laughter and Mikey was hiding his smile behind his hand and Luke felt kind of like crying because he’d never been this happy in his life, and he hoped he’d get to stay with these three loveable idiots forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think there are going to be more than (approximately) 4 or so chapters left now so I hope you guys keep reading! It means the world and I love hearing what you thought so PLEASE leave comments and kudos!  
> What's been your favourite bit of the fic so far? You guys reading this means the absolute world to me I swear :)


	47. A Feeling Of Elation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _“Have fun, you two,” Anne smiled and there was a knowing twinkle in her eyes that made Luke’s cheeks heat as Ash tugged him out of the house by the hand._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh god I love these guys so much :')  
> I hope you really like this update! There are only a few (maybe 3) left!  
> Enjoy! :)

“Afternoon, Anne,” Luke said with his usual shy smile as Ash let them in through the back door and into the cramped, now-familiar kitchen. “Hey, Harry, Lauren.”

“Hiya, Luke,” Harry beamed while Lauren gave her usual timid little wave. Anne’s smile was warm.

“Hello, dear. Staying for dinner?”

Luke glanced over at Ash and the boy’s expression was so hopeful that Luke found himself grinning. “Please,” he told her and she smiled kindly, patting him on the arm as Ash towed him through the kitchen.

“See you later, mum,” Ash told her as he dropped his bag by the radiator in the hallway. “We’re going out to the garage to play now.”

“Have fun, you two,” Anne smiled and there was a knowing twinkle in her eyes that made Luke’s cheeks heat as Ash tugged him out of the house by the hand.

“I swear she _knows_ ,” Luke hissed as Ash opened the sliding garage door and let them in.

“Of course she does,” Ash said dismissively, smirking a little. “She’s a _mum_. And anyway, it’s not like we’re _totally_ lying to her. You _do_ practise with my old guitar, and I _do_ play my drum kit...”

Ash’s voice trailed away but his eyes were glittering and Luke’s cheeks flushed even as he felt a sliver of heat unfurl in his belly. He swallowed audibly, gave Ash his very best (but hugely ineffective) glare, and stalked over to sort out the amp.

“Don’t be a dick, Irwin!” Luke muttered, adopting the sort of tone that Mikey might use if Ash had done something particularly _nice_ for someone. “It’s not nice to make inferences about having sex in a garage. _Especially_ when your little brother and sister are just inside the house.”

“Needs must,” Ash said but his grin had softened into something much sweeter. “And besides, don’t you think she started to suspect something when we started bringing out cushions, duvets and a whole load of Green Day CDs? Because, in my opinion at least, that looks suspicious.”

“It wouldn’t be anywhere _near_ as suspicious if you weren’t such a _screamer_ , Ash,” Luke laughed, even as his heart fluttered excitedly in his chest. It had taken him quite a while to get the hang of the whole ‘banter’ thing but he was really starting to enjoy it now.

“I mean, _seriously_ , it’s kind of _cute_ but I _so_ don’t want to have to live through Harry asking what you’d done to hurt yourself again!” Luke continued vehemently. “And your _limping_! That was so fake! And Lauren started _laughing_! Ash, that… that was _traumatising_!”

“You’re all talk now but I’m pretty sure later on I can get you to –”

“Right!” Luke squeaked, clapping his hands together in a way that probably looked very stupid. “Time to play some music now!”

Ash laughed but he sat down dutifully behind his drum kit and began to warm up, beating out a rhythm as Luke checked the amp again and settled down on the stool they had stolen from the alley behind Cal’s house a few months back.

“Let’s do ‘ _The Grouch_ ’, Lukey,” Ash said hopefully and it was with a feeling of elation in his chest that Luke began to play the familiar chords.

He loved the song almost as much as Ash did nowadays.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have the last few updates loosely planned out and I really, _really_ hope you guys like them!  
>  Please stay tuned, and let me know what you thought of this update via comments and kudos! :)  
> Thank you all! It means the world!


	48. Gold Dust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _"Why do you look like an old lady just mooned in front of you?” Mikey asked curiously and Luke frowned slightly._
> 
>  _“Pleasant mental image, Clifford, but I wasn’t actually thinking about that.” Cal rolled his eyes and Luke grinned before he continued. “ _Actually_ I was thinking about what you just said. About starting a band.”_ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got so excited writing this bit I almost spilt my coffee, I swear to god :')  
> I hope you enjoy it! Only 2 updates left! The end is near!  
> Enjoy! :)

It was the last day before the weekend and the sun was burning high in the sky. Luke was sitting in the school cafeteria with two of his best friends on either side of him and the only thing that would have improved his mood was Ash’s presence.

Mikey and Cal were having a rather heated discussion about the pros and cons of starting a band, something that amused Luke greatly, because as if _that_ was ever going to happen!

All the four of them did when they were together was mess around and have fun and, yeah, maybe they _could_ play well when they put their minds to it but it was hardly like they were ever going to get discovered if they never even _tried_ to be serious.

Something in Luke clicked then and he dropped what was left of his sandwich onto the table in front of him. Cal and Mikey gave him funny looks.

“Why do you look like an old lady just mooned in front of you?” Mikey asked curiously and Luke frowned slightly.

“Pleasant mental image, Clifford, but I wasn’t actually thinking about that.” Cal rolled his eyes and Luke grinned before he continued. “ _Actually_ I was thinking about what you just said. About starting a band.”

“Oh yeah?” Mikey asked and his tone was meant to be taunting but Luke could _see_ the curiosity burning in his emerald eyes. “What were you thinking?”

“We could start putting videos on my YouTube channel,” Luke said, fighting not to blush when Cal looked suitably impressed and Mikey started laughing.

“ _You_ have a YouTube channel?” the purple-haired boy smirked, raising his eyebrows. “All you do is play the guitar, I swear. So what, do you do, like, tutorials or…?”

“No,” Luke said, slightly surprised that Mikey was being even _remotely_ serious when Luke had just given him so much teasing material. “Me and Ash were singing in the car a while back and he thought I was pretty good. Said I should upload some videos online.”

“ _Porn_ videos,” Mikey muttered but even he seemed distracted. Cal and Luke ignored him.

“So you wouldn’t mind us putting videos up on your channel?” Cal asked with interest, the beginnings of an excited smile on his face. “Because that’d be awesome, bro. I mean… That’s _so_ cool!” He suddenly paused. “You do have more than three subscribers, right?”

Luke rolled his eyes and gave Cal the finger. “Fuck off, you prick,” he grinned. “I’ve got a couple of hundred so far but it’s going up pretty quickly.” He rolled his eyes again at Mikey’s suddenly appraising look. “Shocking, I know.”

“That would be pretty cool,” Mikey admitted, straightening up then. “But seriously, do you think we could pull it off?”

“I think so,” Cal said quietly, his voice calculating as he looked at them both seriously. “I mean, Mikey’s pretty damn awesome at the guitar and he can sing too. I play bass pretty good.” (Mikey shot Cal a fond smile because his boyfriend was being nothing if not modest.) “And you play guitar and sing, Luke, yeah?”

“I do,” Luke affirmed, just as Mikey suddenly groaned in frustration.

“But we don’t have a drummer!” he half-wailed and Cal’s expression immediately crumpled. “Decent drummers are like _gold dust_ these days! We’ll never find one!”

Luke’s phone vibrated in his pocket as he received a text from Ash then and the smile that lit up his face was incredibly excited.

“I think I know someone who can help us there.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really, really hope you guys like this!  
> I'm going to have to make a few small tweaks to canon in the next update but this _is_ an AU and everything will still be in character so I don't think it really matters.  
>  Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this! Please let me know via comments and kudos!  
> Only 2 updates left! :)


	49. Counting's Not Punk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _"I've got it," Mikey whispered, slightly awestruck. "I've thought of the name for our band."_ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this is the penultimate chapter! Thank you so much for sticking around for this long!  
> Enjoy! :)

“I love the summer,” Mikey said softly as the four sloped across the beach to their usual spot again and sat down gratefully, all of them tired out.

No one had thought to bring a blanket today and the one in the back of Ash’s car was still slightly damp from a certain seawater-related mishap from a few days previously so it looked like they were going to have to go without. Luke knew he’d get sand in his clothes and hair but he couldn’t really find it in himself to _care_.

They’d played their first ever gig in a grungy old pub about a week ago and Luke was _still_ riding high, still remembered the incredible feeling of playing music to a crowd, even if it _was_ a crowd of drunk old men who probably would have preferred the quiet.

“Summer,” Cal agreed with his boyfriend sleepily and Luke giggled as he burrowed closer into Ash’s side. Cal had his head pillowed in Mikey’s lap and Ash was lying behind Luke, gently stroking his blond hair away from his face as he pressed soft, sleepy kisses to the exposed skin on the back of Luke’s neck.

The youngest boy smiled, tired but comfortable, and tilted his head to press a soft kiss to Ash’s searching lips.

“We need a name for our band,” Mikey said abruptly and Cal – who was more than half asleep now – sleepily muttered something about ‘ _summer_ ’ again. Mikey rolled his eyes fondly. “No, Cal-Pal,” he said firmly. “We’re _punk_. We’d even be _cool_ if we didn’t have Luke _Baby-Face_ Hemmings with us. We’re _not_ calling ourselves something with ' _summer_ ' in the name.”

“Why not?” Ash mumbled sleepily, pulling Luke a little closer to his chest. “You said you guys were talking about a name all through maths and you weren’t able to agree on anything. At least Cal’s making suggestions.” Ash glowered vaguely then and mumbled something along the lines of: “ _Making band decisions without me. So rude_.”

Mikey grinned despite himself as Luke wriggled around, turning so that he could have a proper cuddle with Ash. The shorter boy gratefully wrapped his arms around Luke and pressed a soft kiss to the blond’s temple.

“I wish we could be called Blink-182,” Mikey said dreamily then. “Or Green Day. Maybe All Time Low.” He sighed. “Why did those amazing bastards have to steal all of the good names first?”

Cal snorted with tired laughter, apparently a bit more conscious now.

“Maybe because they formed a long time before we did?” he asked sleepily and then something seemed to occur to him and he opened his eyes a little wider. “Maybe you have a point though, Mikey. I mean… the numbers in Blink-182’s name _do_ sound pretty cool. Maybe we could do something like that?”

“Counting’s not punk,” Mikey mumbled sulkily but he seemed to be thinking. ”Well, five is my favourite number so it will absolutely have to be that or I’m quitting the band.”

“We don’t need you,” Cal joked then, his response immediate. “Luke can play the guitar too. Or we can replace you.”

“Callie, _no_ ,” Mikey whined and Cal grinned.

“Fine, five it is,” he said and Ash perked up, shaking Luke’s shoulder gently so that the blond boy would pay attention. It _was_ an important conversation after all, even if they _had_ decided to have it at stupid o’clock.

“Okay,” Mikey said slowly, gently scratching at Cal’s scalp as he thought quickly. Cal’s eyes began to droop and Ash nudged him with his foot. “Right, so far we have the word ‘ _summer_ ' and the number ‘ _five_ '. Right… well ‘ _Five Summer_ ' and ‘ _Summer Five_ ’ sound fucking shit so I feel like maybe we’re barking up the wrong tree here,” Mikey grumbled, refusing to sugar-coat his words.

"Hey, don't swear," Ash said weakly and Luke smiled at Ash's wholly characteristic behaviour. He hated to think it but he was pretty sure Ash was fighting a losing battle with Mikey. Luke smiled slightly, gently carding his fingers through Ash's hair as Cal tiredly tried to work out what Mikey had just said.

"‘ _Five Summer_ ' sounds better than ‘ _Summer Five_ ’," Cal piped up at long last and Mikey rolled his eyes, seeming to lose interest when he suddenly fished his mobile phone out of his pocket.

"It's the end of February," Mikey murmured, glancing around at the three of them before his eyes settled softly on Cal. Luke wondered why he'd checked the date and realised just as Mikey continued. "The last day of summer."

"Almost time for autumn then," Luke smiled sleepily, glancing at the illuminated numbers on Ash's watch. "Only a few minutes left..."

The boys lay there beneath the dark starry sky in silence, all of them holding each other as the time ticked away. They knew nothing would happen when summer was over, knew there was no _reason_ for the strange sense of finality that they all felt as they lay together on the beach, but that didn't rid them of the peculiar feeling.

"Ten... Nine... Eight... Seven... Si-"

Mikey was counting down the last minute beneath his breath and it was only when they were mere _seconds_ away that he gasped, his green eyes going wide.

"I've got it," Mikey whispered, slightly awestruck. "I've thought of the name for our band."

He was speaking with such a hushed voice that all three of them leant closer unconsciously as the purple-haired boy spoke again.

" _5 Seconds of Summer_ ," Mikey breathed and Luke tasted the words on his tongue as he repeated them back.

They didn't make much sense logically but there was something about the name that sent a thrill of _something_ burning through Luke's veins and the smile that spread across his face was exultant anyway, logic be damned.

"Yes!" Cal hissed as Ash looked at Luke with wide eyes, the beginnings of a slow smile spreading across his face. Mikey was looking smug and Luke felt nervous, excited butterflies beating their delicate wings in his chest.

"5 Seconds of Summer," Luke repeated, feeling more wide awake than he had all evening. "That's so _cool_!"

"Of _course_ it is," Cal said with a hint of pride. "My little cuzmuffin thought it up himself!"

"You two are disgusting," Ash said cheerfully and Mikey's smile was devious.

"Says _daddy_ and _princess_ over there."

Ash spluttered indignantly even as his cheeks flamed a furious red, and despite Luke's mortification, he had to laugh.

Something's would never change.

And that was a good thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you enjoy this! Only the epilogue to go now! I could cry...  
> Please remember to leave comments and kudos! Thank you! :)


	50. Epilogue - A Butterfly's Wings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ' _"We were both kids when we started out," Luke said carefully. "Frightened kids on the road to ruin... And... and we _saved_ each other... And we've done so many _amazing_ things, Ash._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The very last update!  
> I hope you all enjoy it!

"Tour's over," Cal mumbled as the four of them trooped out of the lift and started down the corridor towards their hotel rooms. "Can't quite believe it."

Mikey's smile was soft as he slipped his arm gently around Cal's waist, for once not complaining that the bassist was sweaty from having ran around onstage.

"We can talk more in the morning," he promised, fishing around in his pocket for the key card and coming up short. Cal handed it to him with a soft smile. "Night, Ash. Night, Lukey. Love you guys."

"Night," Luke and Ash echoed, both of them squeezing the other's hand gently as they waited for Mikey and Cal to depart. The two boys didn't take long and, when Luke opened their own door, ushered Ash in and closed the door quietly behind him, the soft click seemed deafening in the sudden silence that followed.

"I can't believe it's over," Ash admitted after several long moments of quiet. He sat down heavily at the end of their double bed and tugged his bandana off halfheartedly, letting it flutter down onto the floor beside them.

"It's been one hell of a ride," Luke allowed and Ash was so sad that he didn't even make a sex joke. Mikey would have been disappointed in him.

Ash sniffed mournfully then and Luke sat down fluidly beside him, taking the hot, sweaty boy in his arms and pressing a firm kiss on his tanned cheek as he thought about how far they'd come.

"This is insane," Luke breathed and Ash looked up curiously, a slight frown creasing his brow even as he smiled at Luke's stunned expression, his dimples evident despite the semi-darkness.

"What is?" Ash asked gently and Luke's smile only seemed to grow.

"We were both kids when we started out," Luke said carefully. "Frightened kids on the road to ruin... And... and we _saved_ each other... And we've done so many _amazing_ things, Ash."

Luke opened his mouth like he was going to continue speaking but promptly closed it again, and Ash simply sat and waited, holding Luke's hands gently in both of his own as the blond gathered his thoughts.

"I told you a long time ago that I'd realise I was _brilliant_ on the day you did..." Luke chewed his lip, and Ash's eyes flickered down to his lip ring and away again. Luke's smirk was firmly in place, even if his eyes held something softer.

"I don't think I'm _brilliant_ by any stretch of the imagination but... Ash, it's thanks to you that I'm even here at all. You showed me that life _was_ worth fighting for and... and I can honestly never express my gratitude for that. For _you_."

"I love you," Ash said softly and Luke closed the gap between them as his long-fingered hands gently knotted into Ash's sweaty curls, anchoring them together.

"I know," Luke whispered and the brush of his lips against Ash's was so light he almost couldn't feel it, like the flutter of a butterfly's wings. "I love you too."

 

_**Fin.** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe it's over!  
> I kind of feel a bit like crying which is stupid but... I don't know, these characters sort of feel like my babies now and I really hope you guys enjoyed coming on their adventure with them.  
> I feel like maybe "Disconnected" and "Never Be" (maybe even "Beside You") by 5SOS are the songs that inspired me to write this.  
> Please let me know what you thought - both of this chapter and of the fic overall - via comments and kudos, as it really does mean the world.  
> Thank you for sticking by me for this long, and stay tuned for any fics I might write in the future.  
> Thank you all so much!  
> Lots of love,  
> Katy :) <3 xxxxxxxx

**Author's Note:**

> Please remember to leave comments and kudos as it means the world! :)


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